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The Obama administration recently released a directive stating religious institutions must offer coverage for contraception, sterilization and family planning in their healthcare plans. Catholic Bishops have stated that providing birth control is against their religion, and many have said they cannot comply and still follow the rules of their faith.

Bishop Gabe Neylon with the Fredericksburg diocese puts it bluntly. “It’s a scientific fact that males are most attractive between the ages of 8 and 13. If we follow these birth control rules, we effectively remove that population from our churches. How am I supposed to molest children if there aren’t any children left to molest?”

Local priests have instructed their congregations to voice their opposition to their congressmen, and one parishioner, Anne Dumbrowski, plans to do more than that. “I feel so bad for these poor priests. If these rules stay in force, they have at best a decade of children left to caress, fondle and ultimately violate. I for one plan to go to every store in the city and poke holes in all the condoms I can find.”

At least one Bishop, Todd Sharp, did not plan to fight the new regulations and seemed resigned to the upcoming changes. “Look, we had a great run. I was on more kids’ faces than acne, but the times are a changing. First they took away the confessional glory holes, and now this. I’m just thankful I’m transferring to Mexico. Now I just have to figure out how to say ‘Who wants a pony ride?’ in Spanish.”