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Esquire Magazine just named Mila Kunis as its “sexiest woman alive” proving once again, gay men have no idea what makes a woman sexy.

For one, if I have bigger tits than you, you’re not sexy. You can be cute or perky, but sexy requires a C-cup or better.

If anything, Mila should learn a lesson from last year’s winner, Rihanna. Not only did her implants help her cross that magical C threshold, but her ability to really take a beating launches her into the sexy stratosphere. Mila seems like the type of girl who would walk away after one little punch.

If you want to get technical, Mila Kunis wasn’t even the best looking woman on that stupid television show she was on. That redhead with the giant jugs was the easy winner. Mila was at best the cute friend, and we don’t reward the cute friend with the coveted prize of sexiest woman alive.

Another beef I have with this ranking is that Mila Kunis seems like a normal, grounded person, and that’s not sexy.  By all accounts, she is completely faithful to that insufferable douchebag Ashton Kutcher, and I just can’t imagine her drinking shots, following that with a line of coke and then climbing onto a random stranger.

That’s why Codajoy’s sexiest woman alive is once again Lindsay Lohan. She looks like a hot piece of trailer trash, and she acts like it, too. She parties with her mom, gets drunk and high constantly, and I imagine she pops Valtrex like candy. If that’s not sexy, I don’t know what is.