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There aren’t many drugs I haven’t tried at least once, but I can promise that bath salts will be one I’ll avoid. For one thing, I don’t want to take anything that makes me feel like my insides are baking, which is why so many users end up nude. I also tend to avoid hallucinogens as they’re a poor fit for my unstable personality.

The drug actually has no link to the salts you put in your bath, but it received that name because it’s often falsely labeled as bath salts when sold. It typically contains one of the following three chemicals: methylenedioxypyrovalerone (MDPV), methylone or mephedrone, and you can snort, swallow or inject it to get high.

The buzz is often described as similar to that of cocaine, but unfortunately, it can also cause hallucinations and delusions, and allegedly, cannibalism.

It was initially suspected that Rudy Eugene, the so-called Miami Zombie who ate a homeless guy’s face, was high on bath salts.  The fact that he was nude seemed to fit with the drug’s tendency to make people overheat.  Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, and the Miami-Dade Medical Examiner has now announced that the only thing in Rudy’s system was pot and a heavy dose of being really, really nuts.

This is actually a huge disappointment to me.  I was hoping that bath salts-related cannibalism would become all the rage, and maybe even make a dent in this country’s homeless population.

According to the US Department of Housing and Urban Development, there are over half a million homeless people in our great country. However, if we gave half that population bath salts, and they proceeded to eat the other half, that number would be reduced by 50% overnight.

Now that will never happen, and it will forever remain a beautiful, beautiful dream.