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My wife’s uncle loves the outdoors, and for years, he has been trying to get us to go camping with him and his wife. As I’ve explained many times, I bought a nice house for a reason, and I plan to use it. If I wanted to sleep in the middle of the woods, drink from stagnant puddles and shit in a hole in the ground, I’d move to El Salvador.

Not one to be deterred, he has convinced my daughter that next year we should all go on a big family camping trip. Since she’s a toddler, and children are basically retarded, she thinks it’s a great idea and is already lobbying for us to go.

For the life of me I can’t understand why anyone would willingly spend their free time camping. And what do people even mean when they say, “Let’s get back to nature?”

I’m fairly certain wearing machine-made clothes, eating factory-produced food and sleeping in a tent made of petroleum products isn’t getting back to nature.

Just to settle this once and for all, I may agree to an adults-only camping trip, but I’m going to try to make it as historically accurate as possible. Once we pick our spot in the middle of nowhere, and everyone is busy settling it, I’m going to put all of our stuff in a pile and set it on fire. I’m also going to throw the truck keys into the nearby stream.

I’m sure my little Lord of the Flies experiment will nip this camping thing in the bud once and for all, and it will also settle something else I’ve always wondered about. How quickly will I start considering cannibalism if deprived of an easy food source?