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I make more money than my wife, but she keeps taking my name off the bank accounts because in her words, I “spend our money on dumb shit.” Well excuse me Mrs. Greenspan, but buying souls isn’t dumb, and I would damn sure rather have a portfolio filled with them than some worthless stock from overvalued corporations.

Plus the old adage about money is you can’t take it with you, but with souls, you really can. They are yours in this life and the next.

I started buying souls years ago, and I have a very clear purpose. When I eventually get to hell, I plan to sell some of them to Satan to get into purgatory. When I get to purgatory I plan to sell a few to God to get into heaven. The rest I’ll keep as a sort of rainy day fund in the event I get caught peeping on Mother Mary in the shower, or something like that.

If you plan to start a soul collection of your own, there are a few simple rules to follow. As with most things, rarity determines value and souls are no different. You don’t want to end up with nothing but a stock of souls from agnostic douchebags who never did a good deed in their miserable lives. And no, going to a pro-choice rally isn’t a good deed. It actually hurts the value of your soul. As a general rule selfish and bad people have worthless souls, and unless someone is Hitler evil, save your money.

That brings me to the problem of getting souls. Good people don’t want to part with them, so you need to get them when they’re vulnerable. Good girls are especially easy prey when they are college freshman. They have a first-year philosophy class under their belt, and all of a sudden they feel like they can’t trust anything. Take advantage of that doubt by making a quick purchase, and don’t be afraid to lay down a few hundred bucks to hustle it along.

If you’re really lucky, she’ll eventually feel guilty about the transaction and spend a lifetime doing good deeds to atone for her mistake. That won’t do shit for her but it will really enhance the value of your product.

Also keep in mind that while God may only want good people, Satan has more of a collector’s eye. Look for souls from things like albinos and busty Asians. Anything that’s different and apt to catch the big fella’s attention.

Last but not least, collect what interests you. I have spent thousands buying midget souls, and I don’t regret it at all. And every day I dream it’s the day I will find the holy grail of souls. The busty Asian midget. I don’t even know how I’d value it, but I’d happily start the bidding at 10k.