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I just saw another public service announcement on bullying and just like all the others, it was totally one-sided. It focused only on the nerds and fat kids who got tormented. What about the jocks and cool kids who did the actual bullying? I bet they felt great, and it was clear they were having a lot of fun doing it.

Bullying other kids is a great way to bond with your peers. It establishes the adolescent pecking order, and much like dogs, we’re all happiest when we find our place in the pack. If you’re unlucky enough to be the one getting bullied, just remember, there’s always someone weaker than you. You just need to find that person so you can get in on the fun too.

On the off-chance there isn’t anyone weaker than you, just remember, God may have made men, but Sam Colt made them equal. Instead of blowing your money on comic books or a Harry Potter trivia game, think about getting your hands on a gun. Once you’ve got those bullies begging for their lives, I’ll bet their attitudes change, and you’ll seem a lot cooler.

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