Genghis Khan once said, “A man’s greatest pleasure is to defeat his enemies, to drive them before him, to take from them that which they possessed, to see those whom they cherished in tears, to ride their horses, and to hold their wives and daughters in his arms.”
Now one out of every 200 men on the planet is directly descended from him, and a new study out of Canada seems to vindicate Genghis and finally puts to the bed the bullshit notion that bullies are just tormented souls who punish others because they can’t deal with their own personal inadequacies.
Researchers at Simon Fraser University surveyed Vancouver high school students and found bullies were the least likely to be depressed, and had the highest self-esteem and social status.
This is precisely why anti-bullying campaigns will never work. Bullying is not a learned behavior or some social coping mechanism. It’s a way for alpha assholes to express dominance and keep the rest of the sheep in their place.
But I know what you’re thinking. “Codajoy, my son is a weak little pussy, and I want to legislate a way to protect him from those bad bullies at school. What should I do?”
Luckily, I have the answer. I grew up in a terrible school system that was half redneck and half black, and then we got our first Asian kid. He weighed about a hundred pounds soaking wet, and I thought for sure the blacks were going to eat him alive, and I meant that literally.
I assumed they would get a giant cauldron and dance around it while he slowly boiled.
But I couldn’t have been more wrong. On his second day, a couple guys started messing with him in gym class, and without saying a word he dropped straight to one knee and delivered a devastating dick punch.
After that no one really fucked with him because no one wants to get punched in the dick. Moral of the story, teach your kid to dick punch, and everything will be OK.