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queen Like every other old British queen on the island, Britain’s Elizabeth II loves nuts. In fact she likes everything about them. From their wrinkled texture to their pleasing color to their excellent taste, the Queen of England is practically daffy about nuts, and she will not tolerate anyone helping themselves to her nuts without royal permission.

At least that’s what I gathered from the phone hacking trial of journalists at the former News of the World tabloid. According to emails submitted as evidence, the Queen issued a memo demanding that police on patrol at Buckingham Palace stop helping themselves to her nuts.

She was allegedly so infuriated by these thieving little commoners that she even took to marking nut dishes in the hallways with red lines so she could tell if anyone was secretly helping themselves to the royal nuts, when by right those nuts should only go into her noble mouth.

That seems pretty straight forward, but I do have one question. Are you serious you greedy old bitch?

It’s not like you have to pay for those nuts out of your own pocket, but even if you did, I think you could afford it. You have an estimated net worth of $500 million, and you get a yearly allowance of $56 million.

And if you’re that worried that someone is going to eat your food, just do what I did in college. Spit in every third item and dare your roommates to try to beat those odds.

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