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Tim Magazine caught a lot of flak for featuring Jamie Lynne Grumet breastfeeding her nearly four-year-old son on its cover last week, and I’m not sure I understand what all the fuss is about. If my mom was that hot, I’d still be breastfeeding, too. Hell, I might even try to get to third base. Just look at that chick.

Incest jokes aside, even I find this weird, and if I say something is beyond the realm of good taste, you should probably listen up. I have a pretty high tolerance for the perverse.

Unless you’re a baby elephant, there is no reason on earth you should still be nursing at three years old. And if you’re a mother who is that desperate to establish a lasting bond with your kid, just give up now and save him or her years of therapy down the road. If it’s a boy, no matter what you do he’ll drift away once he becomes a teen, and he won’t care about you again until he has kids and needs you to babysit.

I read a bit more about Mrs. Grumet, and both her and this concept of “attachment parenting” is nuts. Grumet says she was breastfed until she was six-years-old, and attachment parenting says to also carry kids around in slings to be closer to you and to let them sleep in your bed.

There are two major problems here. One, you’re going to raise a goddamned sociopath who thinks the world revolves solely around him or her. Two, when are you supposed to get some peace away from this monster? I bought a house big enough for everyone to have their own room for a reason, and unless they’re bringing daddy a wake-up beer, they can stay the hell out of mine.

I understand why Time featured this picture. The sales of its magazine have been falling for years, and this was the only way they could seem relevant, even if only for a second. Maybe I was even being too hard on them. Newsweek just decided to up the ante by featuring a picture of Obama with a caption calling him our first gay president, and Time almost seems professional by comparison.

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