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Santa Claus prides himself on keeping up with the times, and after hearing literally dozens of complaints from the liberal media about there only being a white Santa, he decided to do something about it.

He called his South Pole cousin, Leroy Claus, and asked if he would help him deliver toys this year. Always happy to help, Leroy laid his finger aside his broad nose, and up to the North Pole he quickly rose.

Unfortunately, things didn’t go exactly as planned, and according to law enforcement reports, Leroy completed deliveries to 114 million U.S. households, and he was shot in a staggering 16 million of them.

Surprisingly, it didn’t matter if the home’s occupants were white, black, Hispanic or Asian, though black Santa shootings were higher in the South than in any other region.

As a magical being, Leroy is immune to bullets, but he did seem a bit angry by his reception. “Shit,” he said. “Kris comes in and finds a plate full of cookies, and I’m ducking behind the couch trying to dodge everything from shotguns to AKs.”

We managed to reach a few of the people who allegedly shot Leroy, and Todd Neylon of Richmond, Va told a familiar story.

“I came downstairs and I saw this black guy dressed in a fur suit stealing my Blu-ray player. By the time I realized he was actually giving it to me as a gift it was too late, and I had accidentally shot him nine times.”

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