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banana-girlThe Gates Foundation is offering $100,000 to an inventor who can come up with a “Next Generation Condom that significantly preserves or enhances pleasure” so that people will actually use the stupid things.

While I applaud Bill Gates for his commitment to battling whatever plague is besetting Africa this month, I’m not really sure what anyone can do to make rubbers more appealing. I guess you could try to flavor them, but that would just make starving Africans eat them like potato chips.

The problem with rubbers is they have an inherently flawed design. No matter how thin you make them, they will always cut down on sensory pleasure and make sex less pleasurable. If you want to make sex safe, you have to think outside the box, and I have just the solution – The Codajoy Twat Tamer™.

Instead of trying to create an impermeable barrier between men and women, we need to attack the problem at its source. We need to kill the viruses and bacteria that cause STDs.

The idea occurred to me last week when I was eating an apple I found rolling around in my trunk. I can’t remember when I last bought apples, but the damned thing had to be months old. The secret to its crisp texture and tasty flesh was the small irradiation sticker stuck to its bottom.

The fruit had been subjected to a burst of ionizing radiation that killed any pathogens and delayed spoiling, and if that could work on apples, I bet it could work on vaginas.

I’m still having trouble building a prototype Twat Tamer™, but the basic idea is it will be a wand that you can stick in a woman’s cooch before intercourse. You will set the level of radiation based on how filthy you think she is, and doses will range from “choir girl” to “Kardashian.”

When you’re done, you can give her another burst, and it will probably prevent pregnancy, too. But, you’ll be long gone before anything is born, so I wouldn’t really worry about it.