I read the Bible once, and I have to admit, I wasn’t blown away. It was too preachy for me, and the ending seemed tacked on. I guess the writers had an idea that it might be huge, and instead of just having Jesus die at the end, they wanted to set it up for a sequel.

As I watched Tim Tebow being figuratively crucified Saturday night, I started to feel bad for him. He seems like a nice guy, and he didn’t ask to be the lighting rod in some cultural war between liberals and conservatives. He’s low-key, and I’m guessing he would prefer to be left alone.

It could be the alcohol talking here, but I’ve long suspected Bill Belichick was in league with Satan, and Saturday night clearly proves it. The devil was enraged by Tebow’s success, and he called upon his minion, Bill Belichick, to put a stop to it. As a willing servant to his Satanic master, Bill Belichick was only too willing to oblige.

I don’t want to sound crazy here, but I think we better kill Bill Belichick. We should get Tom Brady, too. You know what, just to be on the safe side, we should also take out all six members of the Patriots who made the Pro Bowl.

And I know what you’re thinking, but I’m not suggesting this because I’m still bitter the Patriots didn’t cover the spread in Super Bowls 38 and 39. I’m past all of that now. This is for Jesus.