theperfectdoucheI work in Alexandria, VA which is literally infested with bicyclists. And I’m not talking about the tourists on rented “bike-share” bikes. They at least have enough sense to stay in line and obey the rules of the road.

I’m talking about the fruits in their little spandex onesies who blow through every stop sign like they’re on stage 10 of their own personal Tour de France. And what’s with the giant, tapered aerodynamic helmets?

The only people on the planet who should wear helmets are football players and retards. If you’re not sprinting across the field to sack the quarterback or drinking out of the toilet because you saw the dog do it, you don’t need one.

And if you’re that obsessed with speed, buy a fucking car. I’ve done over 120 mph in mine, and I didn’t have to peddle one time to do it. I simply pressed my right foot gently to the floor. It really couldn’t have been easier.

Bikes have no place on the road. Even at top speed they’re too slow to cope with traffic, and at a fraction of the width of a car, they’re difficult to spot. And you can forget the argument that they’re green and healthy. In the U.S. on a per-trip basis, you’re twice as likely to die on a bike as in a car.

Now get off the road. And stay off my lawn.