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If you spend enough time in a bar, chances are some drunk is going to try to pick a fight with you. Here are Mike Codajoy’s tips for winning a bar fight.

If you’re in a predominantly white bar, try to be black. I don’t mean act like a wigger; I mean actually be African-American. This will do wonders for you once punches are thrown.

Don’t be afraid to get creative. If you see a woman with a baby, grab that infant and use him/her as a shield. Hold it out with one hand while hitting your opponent with the other. Usually, he won’t even hit back because he’s afraid of hitting the baby.

You’re surrounded by bottles and glasses. Use them. Bar fights are not fair fights, and if you’re alone and get knocked to the floor, you’re going to get stomped by a group. Avoid this by quickly smashing a bottle or glass into your opponent’s face. Use the shards to threaten anyone else who wants to be a tough guy.

Don’t get in a boxer’s stance, try the crane kick from Karate Kid, or any of that other nonsense. If you want to practically guarantee you get your ass kicked, try ear clapping someone. Somehow, a rumor got started that this causes pressure in your opponent’s ears, and can even kill him. From what I’ve seen, it doesn’t.

If things are really desperate, and you’re heavily outnumbered and sure to get a beat-down, do what Popeye did. Instead of eating spinach, you want to snort PCP. Always keep a ChapStick container full of it in your pocket, and pop the top and inhale before the fight. If you’re lucky, you may even hallucinate and see your hands transform into giant hammers as you’re pounding your opponents into the pavement.