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Before my generation, my family used the same four names for every male child. You were Andrew, Patrick, Joseph or John. If you didn’t like those names, you had to hope you got a nickname that wasn’t even worse.

Now, everyone wants their kid to have a name that’s unique, and most of them are awful. We went to a birthday party last week, and it seemed like every girl’s name was a little gender bender. There was a Riley, Madison and a Mackenzie, and I think there was even an Addison, but it could have been just another girl named Madison.

The boy’s names weren’t any better. There was a Braden, Payton an Aiden and a bunch of other names that somehow made two-year-olds sound like pretentious little pricks. I don’t know what it is with those names, but when I hear one, I just want to punch the parents in the mouth.

And who looks at the name Jayden and says that’s a good name for my son? You’d be better off naming him Rosie because then at least he’d toughen up after being mercilessly taunted for a few years. I know this from experience. I went to school with a dude named Marion, and he was probably the meanest guy I ever met. It was either him or Nasa.

And in case you’re wondering, Nasa was named after the space administration, and I did go to a predominantly black school.