DEAR DR. CODAJOY: I want to get more adventuresome in the bedroom with my wife, but whenever I try, she gets cold feet. Do you have any suggestions? — FRUSTRATED IN FRESNO

DEAR FRUSTRATED: When you say “adventuresome,” I have to assume that’s just a code word for anal. All women secretly desire a little action in the backdoor, but they don’t want to appear like sexual deviants and come right out and ask for it. My advice is to surprise her with a Greek thrust without warning, and not to stop no matter how much she yells or threatens you.

DEAR DR. CODAJOY: Ever since my husband turned 50, he has had no interest in me. Do you think Viagra or testosterone treatment would help? –ALONE IN ALABAMA

DEAR ALONE: The problem is clearly with you. I have to imagine you’re also over 50, and we all know that old women are gross and unattractive. Since you’re not getting any younger, you need to find an attractive young woman who would agree to a threesome. That way you might be able to leech off her attractiveness for at least a night.

DEAR DR. CODAJOY: I am severely agoraphobic, and I haven’t been able to leave my house in over three years. I still live with my mom, I collect disability, and I spend all of my time looking at Internet porn and playing games. I feel like I’m wasting my life. Help! – STRANDED IN SEATTLE

DEAR STRANDED: Young man, don’t change a thing. You’re perfect the way you are.