buttzooka Back in March, Apple filed a patent application for a system that will scan your bank and credit information and only show you ads for products your broke ass can actually purchase.

People would have to opt in for the service and give Apple permission to do these searches, but within a decade it won’t matter.

No matter where we go, face recognition software will identify us so our phones and online profiles can be mined in real time to ensure we get sales and ads tailored exactly to our interests.

I’m already convinced my phone is illegally listening to me after I passed out drunk watching Telemundo last Christmas, and the next day all my ads were in Spanish.

At first I thought that was just a strange coincidence, but I’ve also noticed the auto-complete seems to be both learning from my depraved searches and keying in on conversations I’m having. And I don’t think I’m being paranoid here.

Otherwise, I don’t understand how auto-complete knew I was going to search for “Buttzooka” when I had only entered buttzo in the search box.

You’re good, Google. Really good.