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godzilla I’m a champion of suspending disbelief. Every day I pretend my life is going to work out just fine when nothing in my present circumstances suggests that.

The truth is my wife will probably leave me, my kids will forget about me, and I’ll spend my golden years broke and alone in some shitty retirement home while Haitian nurses make fun of the size of my dick in their native Creole.

That being said, I still can’t wrap my head around this new Godzilla movie.

I think I saw the last Godzilla flick in 1998, but maybe that was King Kong. Whatever the case, the premise is still sound. We would wipe out one of these stupid monsters in about five seconds, and there’s not a goddamned thing it could do about it.

I understand movies are supposed to provide escapism, and I’m fine accepting that midgets like Tom Cruise and Marky Mark are magically able to kick the ass of every man on the planet when in reality the average black guy from the bus stop would give them a honkey-womping that would end their career/life.

But these monster movies take it too far. Our planes and tanks meekly fire spit-balls that just bounce off their bomb-proof skin while they rampage through a city with impunity, but I call shenanigans.

We have a 30,000 pound bomb called the MOP (Massive Ordnance Penetrator) that can punch through over a 100 feet of earth and concrete and one of those would reduce that stupid lizard to a slurry of green and pink paste as soon as it set a clawed foot on land.

The only way for this movie to work is if there were thousands and thousands of Godzillas that attacked in a massive wave and overwhelmed our defenses.

So how about you producers just add a fucking “s” to Godzilla, crank up the CGI and make it happen.

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