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It’s official, I have now spent more time playing the game Skyrim than I’ve spent raising my children or saving my crumbling marriage. At the end of the day, I’d have to say it’s been time well spent.

I don’t play many role-playing games, but this one definitely has me hooked. It combines both my love of collecting things with my love of killing people to take those things. The best part is that murder isn’t really that big of a deal there. All you have to do is pay a bounty of $1,000, and you’re free to go.

After murdering most of the town of Solitude, I decided to take a little break and do a few good deeds for a temple in a nearby city. After completing my self-imposed penance, the temple priestess gave me a medallion. I don’t always read the dialogue because reading is for nerds, but I now realize this medallion let’s people know you want to get married.

As I walked down the street, I stopped at the local blacksmith. He asked me if I was interested in him, and I said yes. After all, I was there to sell some of my stolen weapons. Well, he didn’t’ take it like that, and after I said I was interested, he replied, “As brief as life can be in Skyrim, at least we’ll have each other.”

It turns out I was now engaged to a grizzled old blacksmith and rules against same-sex marriages must not apply in Skyrim.

Michael Dolomite Codajoy is 100% heterosexual, but when I make a commitment, I follow through on it. We ended up having a tasteful wedding ceremony in the town of Riften, but unfortunately, it didn’t last. When I got home the next day at midnight, dinner was not on the table, and the blacksmith was nowhere to be found. He finally came home a little after 2:00 am, but by then it was too late. Both me and my character had been drinking heavily, and the blacksmith’s body is now slumped over my kitchen table.

God I wish I lived in Skyrim.