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I used to work for a railroad, but like all Americans, I secretly hate trains. They may be practical in the tiny countries of Europe, but our nation is huge, and thanks to the National Highway System, I can drive anywhere I want. When I was drunk, I once even drove into a house, and I’d like to see a train try that.

Passenger rail service in the U.S. is actually owned by the government, under the Amtrak name, and like everything run by the government, it is unprofitable. It loses about $1 billion a year, and it will never make money.

Luckily, Amtrak just had a brilliant idea, and it has a way to not only increase ridership but support the government’s obsession with social engineering. They’re launching a new gay-themed marketing effort called the “Ride with Pride” campaign.

Gay men and women are being encouraged to travel by train to popular vacation destinations, and for some unknown reason, they’re being told they can take their kids for half price. Unfortunately for Amtrak, someone forgot to teach them about the birds and the bees, but they’re not going to let a silly thing like biology get in the way of a new way to lose millions.

If Amtrak really wants to market to the gay community, they need to drop this kid-friendly nonsense and give them what they want. They should unveil a new campaign called “Run Train On Someone” and make special gay cars where anything goes. They’ll probably want to make them waterproof so they can just be hosed off after every trip, but I’ll leave that up to the engineers to work out the details.

If you want to hire me to head this up, Amtrak, I’m available.