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When it’s not trying to make underwear bombs or hide explosives in men’s rectums, Al Qaeda’s Yemen branch kept busy by writing a manual for potential western recruits. The document was released yesterday, but most of the writing was done by U.S.-born radical Samir Khan, who was supposedly killed in a drone strike last September.

The 16-page guide includes rules that recruits must follow as well as tips and hints for being the best little jihadist you can be. It also tells recruits that if they get scared to just close their eyes and imagine the virgins that await them in paradise.

I don’t want to get off-topic here, but where do these virgins come from? Are they earthly women who died virgins? If that’s the case, if no one wanted to screw them in this life, chances are no one is going to want to screw them in the next. I’d much rather have a harem of hot sluts.

Another problem with this manual is that it’s a total downer. In one section it tells you not to bring your family for fear they’ll be tortured and raped to get information about you. In another it describes how a fighter did not take off his shoes or wash his feet adequately, and he was subjected to a bizarre ailment where one of his toes grafted to the underside of his foot.

As if a guide telling you how to be a suicide bomber isn’t crazy enough, it also veers into outright insanity at one point. It claims the government of Saudi Arabia has individuals that “work alongside evil jinns (spirits) that spy on the mujahidin and give away their position.”

Are you idiots serious? Do you really think the Saudis have magic lamps they rub to produce genies? Trust me, if some magical being offered me three wishes, I wouldn’t use one to hunt down your dumb asses. I’d be too busy enjoying my harem of hot sluts.