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fire Much like noted televangelist Pat Robertson, once a year I have a meeting with Jesus and he reveals the future to me. Also like Pat Robertson this only happens when I have been drinking heavily and randomly eating pills I’ve found in the medicine cabinet.

During this appearance I asked him if there was going to be war in the Mideast, and his response was some nonsense about an Ethiopian maid’s broken dulcimer, so I changed the topic.

It’s all but impossible to get a Jew to give you a straight answer about anything unless you nail them down, and since I didn’t have a ten-foot wooden cross handy, I used a painfully specific question.

“In three words or less, what is the biggest danger to America?”

I was hoping the answer would be something awesome like a killer comet or plague, but instead he said “power and water.” I was going to ask a follow-up question but the Percocet, baby laxatives and other weird pills I ate really kicked in, and I drifted off into a sweet slumber.

In my dreams I saw men cutting down high tension electric towers and tankers full of gasoline being used to flood and burn bridges and tunnels. Reservoirs were poisoned, pumps and pipes destroyed, and crude gasoline bombs were hurled into electrical substations. Deprived of power and water our cities erupted, and America became a fiction on a map.

If you actually stop to think about it, it’s terrifying how easy that could happen.