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I never realized this before, but some panhandlers make hundreds of dollars a week, and begging can be big business. And, as far as I can tell, no one is running it. Hundreds of thousands of free-lance bums are out there asking for your change, but they’ve got no business plan, supervision or discipline. I plan to change all of that.

First off, if you see some able-bodied man hitting you up for cash, you probably do what I do. You threaten to throw his ass into traffic if he opens his mouth one more time. But, what if that person wasn’t a person at all, but was a woman or a cripple. Totally different deal now, right? You would probably give it a few bucks and leave feeling better about yourself.

This is why I’m founding Bum Wranglers, a full-service and franchisable bum management company.

The first thing you want to do is buy a bunch of bus tickets to somewhere warm and hand them out to the transients already panhandling in your area. Once the streets are clear, it’s time to deploy your team. You need to make sure they all have costumes, and you want to have at least one pregnant woman and a disabled vet.

You should drop them off in areas with a lot of pedestrian traffic, and maybe put one or two at traffic lights that always have a lot of stopped cars. After their shift you can pick them up, take them to the abandoned house or shed where you keep them and tally up the profits.