First off, and this is crucial, you have to pick the right woman. Do you ever watch nature shows? The lions don’t go after the huge, healthy wildebeest; they find one that is old, sick or otherwise infirm. That same logic applies to women. You don’t want the supermodel; you want her slightly chunky but still decent looking friend.

And don’t worry about the extra weight. You have plenty of time to badger her about it after you start dating. If you do it right, she’ll develop an eating disorder and drop those extra pounds in no time. The best part? Even though she’ll now be skinny with a smokin’ hot body, she’ll still see herself as that lonely chunk sitting home alone on Friday nights. Her self-esteem will stay nice and low so you don’t have to waste time worrying about her needs. It’s a win-win for everybody.

We are all products of our evolutionary history, and women evolved to be nurturing and to raise children. You need to use that. Women like a project, so give them something to work on. Try developing an addiction, and make repeated half-assed attempts to overcome that addiction. She will keep trying to save you, and you can still get high and/or drunk.

Last but not least, be creative. Sigmund Freud was a master manipulator, and not only did he use that gift to get a pretty hot wife, he used it to bang her sister, too. Do you have a gift? Sure you do, you just need to find it.

My gift is that I’m immune to mace. While that doesn’t help relationships, it does allow me to get through that awkward first phase. You know the part right after I sneak into my soul-mate’s room, but before I introduce myself.