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I’m not gay, so Thunderbird is one of the worst things I have ever put in my mouth. The only thing more terrible than the taste is the smell. It’s a hearty mixture of gasoline and formaldehyde with a hint of something that vaguely smells like poison. A place where I grew up used to sell it in a size I referred to as “the bucket.” It was a full 50 ounces, and according to local lore, a bum we all called “Droopy” once drank an entire bucket in one sitting.

One of my early favorites was a brand called Cisco. I used to buy it at a little store near my house, and they had no problem selling it directly to a sixteen-year-old kid. I have no idea if they even still make it, but it used to say on the bottle, “It sneaks up on you.” Supposedly, it caused people to have psychotic episodes, but the worst thing it ever did to me was make me find fat chicks attractive. I did appreciate the fact that the “flavor” with the highest alcohol content was simply called “Red.”

The best of all the ghetto wines is Mad Dog. It won’t get you as drunk as Cisco or Thunderbird, and for some reason it always makes me sweat, but it’s still the best. The Key Lime Flavor is without a doubt the tastiest of any shitty wine, and I normally keep a bottle in my fridge for company.