no_gay People often ask me, “Codajoy, what’s your secret? You have an attractive wife, a nice house and extra money, but you’re a fat, lazy alcoholic and everyone hates you. How in the fuck are you not broke, homeless and alone? I’m serious. How?”

I may be the only person I know who has been banned from both a Walmart and a Denny’s, but that hasn’t stopped me from putting literally dozens and dozens of dollars in the bank. And, if you follow my simple rules, you can be rolling in Washington’s, Lincoln’s and even the occasional Hamilton.

First off, try to be born Asian, and by that I mean one of the good Asians from China or Japan. You don’t want to be one of the crappy ones from Thailand or Cambodia.

If you can’t be born Asian, be born European. Just make sure you steer clear of nationalities like Albanian or any of those weird ones with all the consonants from the former Soviet Union.

After you’ve been born correctly, you need to find your place in this world, and my advice is to do what you love, and money will come. I for one love taking money from stupid people, and that’s why I’m about to launch my new anti-gay vaccine.

Oddly enough, the idea is completely sound. Even though there is no gay gene, we know gayness seems to run in families, and we also know boys with older brothers are more likely to swallow pickles than boys born with older sisters.

It seems a mother’s immune system has an antagonistic relationship with a male fetus’ androgen levels and as the mother has more boys, her body gets better at suppressing the androgens. This in turn raises the possibility the boy will grow up to love techno music and vote for Democrats.

But, a vaccine that was given to pregnant mothers should, in theory, counteract that immune response. Personally, I don’t know shit about science, so I just plan to put blue Gatorade and some spices in empty gelatin capsules and sell them on my new site, www.gayvaccine.com. But, if you’re a dork who loves working with molecules and shit, this could be your ticket.