In the first known attack of its kind, Islamic militants used driverless cars fitted with explosives to carry out a series of bomb attacks across the city of San Diego yesterday.

The targets ranged from busy pedestrian areas to a small park where office workers enjoyed their lunches, and the death toll from the attacks stands at twenty, but it is expected to rise.

Mexican drug cartels are suspected of renting their smuggling tunnels to Islamic terrorists, and these tunnels were utilized to import the nearly 900 pounds of explosives that were used.

According to reports, the plot was originally planned to be twice as large, but the arrest of one of the group’s leaders caused them to speed up their timetable and launch their assault prematurely.

A pre-dawn raid in City Heights revealed the true extent of the original attack plan and how lucky we are this second phase wasn’t implemented.

A sophisticated laboratory was being used to combine gasoline and gelling agents into a Napalm-like substance. It appears this material was intended to be sprayed from five additional cars which had been outfitted with 150 gallon tanks and sprayer systems.

According to one of the investigators, this would have allowed them to launch this flammable mixture onto buildings, bridges and other flammable targets, causing the largest fire in the city’s history.

Though they believe the imminent threat has been eliminated, local government officials are still asking the public to be vigilant. According to information found in the City Heights location, the terrorists who carried out this attack discovered a software exploit that would have allowed them to take control of many other driverless cars.

Until this software is fixed, any driverless car on the road could potentially be used as a weapon.

Not all heroes wear capes, and nowhere was that more evident than on a sidewalk in Nashville, TN in the early morning hours of a Saturday last month.

At the time, Katie Quackenbush was sitting in her finely tuned German automobile and sharing tunes from her sound system with other music aficionados on Nashville’s Music Row.

Unfortunately, a local transient, Gerald Melton, was sleeping on the sidewalk nearby, and he became angry that the smell of exhaust and the sound of loud music interrupted his sweet dreams of fortified wines and big rock candy mountains.

Unwilling to simply pick up his bindle and move his box down a block, Mr. Melton instead accosted Ms. Quackenbush. Details are sketchy, but it appears a verbal argument ensued, and Ms. Quackenbush said she felt threatened and fired two shots at Mr. Melton, one of which hit him in his gin-soaked belly.

Since Ms Quackenbush didn’t report the incident for nearly a week, and because her booking photo might as well be labeled “Disinterested hand-job,” the liberal media was quick to jump on this story and vilify her.

But my question is, why?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but when in the history of the goddamned world has a hobo ever done anything positive for anybody?

There’s a solid chance if you shit in the bushes next to a street, and you’re not on a leash, you’re not a contributing member of society and you should be counting your lucky stars I don’t whack you in the nuts with a car antenna every time I walk by.

I’m not saying vagrants should be hunted for sport, but if one of them comes at me at 3:00 AM on a dark street, I’m going to do whatever I can to prevent being bitten and turned into one of them.  I’ve seen enough movies to know their bites are infected, and that’s how the contagion spreads.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un reminds me a lot of drunk me. After a dozen or so cocktails, I come up with stupid ideas that never seem to hold up under the harsh glare of sobriety.

And while the flame thrower I built with the propane tank from my gas grill was awesome, the fact that I duct-taped a garden hose to a gas tank probably means I was once again precariously close to a Darwin award.

Kim Jong Un often threatens to destroy America or South Korea, but his military is antiquated, his missile technology sucks and his head looks a fat little pumpkin. He can talk the talk, but he definitely can’t walk the walk.

That’s why I was surprised last week when he threatened to weaponize a hurricane. At first the threat made no sense. Hurricanes are already remorseless agents of death and mayhem. How could you make that worse?

Then I thought about it, and the idea was brilliant. What’s scarier than a hurricane? Why a nuclear hurricane, that’s what.

If radioactive material was pumped into a hurricane, it would spew fallout over an enormous area and contaminate vast swathes of multiple states. It would turn a natural disaster into a national disaster, and there’s not much you can do to stop it.