These fellas agree with me

According to a study that was recently presented to the American Sociological Association, women who are attractive and educated are less likely to be lesbians than their uglier, more poorly-educated peers.

The study’s author, Elizabeth McClintock, is an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Notre Dame, and according to her work, women may have a more adaptive sexuality than men.

According to Ms. McClintock, hot women are desired by men and have no need to turn lesbo. However, less attractive women may not find the same success with male partners, so they start to cast a wider net until they eventually find someone who doesn’t recoil from their doughy, troll-like touch.

This also helps explain late-in-life lesbians like Meredith Baxter and Kelly McGillis. When they were young, they were smoking hot and adored by men everywhere. Once they got old and gross, they had to change teams.

If you still doubt me, a simple experiment proves my point. If you put ten gay men and straight men in a room, aside from the mincing mannerisms and outfits that actually match, it’s hard to tell a gay guy from a straight guy.

If you conduct the same experiment with women, I’m guessing you’d have a higher success rate.

It’s a well-known scientific fact that most lesbians have what doctors call a “Barney Rubble body,” and once you single out those with little barrel torsos, stubby arms and thick necks, you’re halfway home.

We all pretend intelligence isn’t inherited because that would call into question our current policy of paying imbeciles to breed, but it seems my three kids will inherit more than daddy’s alcoholism – they may also get some of my memories and fears.

A study from the Emory University School of Medicine exposed mice to the smell of acetophenone, which smells like orange blossoms, and then shocked the shit out of them. Not surprisingly, the mice soon became terrified of this smell and started freaking out whenever they smelled it.

That’s not a big revelation, but the kicker came when these mice reproduced, and even though the baby mice were never exposed to acetophenone, they still showed a startle response when the smell was released into their cages.

It appears this heritability can stretch for generations and is somehow conveyed by the dad’s sperm. So if you’re a man with strange phobias or fears, be prepared for your kids and grandkids to inherit them, too.

The researchers also found that mice showed structural changes in their brains which suggests experiences can be transferred into the genome and passed on.

In a way it’s good to know my petty prejudices are now hard-wired into my kids and no amount of liberal brainwashing can wipe away my fucked up genes. Praise Allah.

This guy gets it

Genghis Khan once said, “A man’s greatest pleasure is to defeat his enemies, to drive them before him, to take from them that which they possessed, to see those whom they cherished in tears, to ride their horses, and to hold their wives and daughters in his arms.”

Now one out of every 200 men on the planet is directly descended from him, and a new study out of Canada seems to vindicate Genghis and finally puts to the bed the bullshit notion that bullies are just tormented souls who punish others because they can’t deal with their own personal inadequacies.

Researchers at Simon Fraser University surveyed Vancouver high school students and found bullies were the least likely to be depressed, and had the highest self-esteem and social status.

This is precisely why anti-bullying campaigns will never work. Bullying is not a learned behavior or some social coping mechanism. It’s a way for alpha assholes to express dominance and keep the rest of the sheep in their place.

But I know what you’re thinking. “Codajoy, my son is a weak little pussy, and I want to legislate a way to protect him from those bad bullies at school. What should I do?”

Luckily, I have the answer. I grew up in a terrible school system that was half redneck and half black, and then we got our first Asian kid. He weighed about a hundred pounds soaking wet, and I thought for sure the blacks were going to eat him alive, and I meant that literally.

I assumed they would get a giant cauldron and dance around it while he slowly boiled.

But I couldn’t have been more wrong. On his second day, a couple guys started messing with him in gym class, and without saying a word he dropped straight to one knee and delivered a devastating dick punch.

After that no one really fucked with him because no one wants to get punched in the dick. Moral of the story, teach your kid to dick punch, and everything will be OK.

Karen Anderson is a fraud who pretends to be a psychic and charges lonely people for fake messages from their pets. These pets can be living or dead, and prices start at $75 for a 15-minute session and go all the way up to $175 for a 45-minute session.

Here’s her website, and I can’t wait to email her a picture of every dump my dog takes for the next month, but she probably already knew that.

In order to drum up business for her con, Karen posted a message on her Facebook page claiming she spoke to Cecil psychically, and he had an inspiring message of hope. He told her “not to allow the actions of a few men to defeat us or allow darkness into our hearts.” He also said “to raise your vibration and allow this energy to move us forward.”

But the best part by far was this quote: “Be strong and speak for all the others who suffer needlessly to satisfy human greed.”

Is that anything like the greed of preying on lonely people and using deception to take their money, you filthy, duplicitous cunt?

And how exactly do animals speak to you, Karen? It’s somewhat odd that Cecil speaks the King’s English considering he was both born in Africa and is a goddamned lion.

If you’re a moron, and you still have a shred of doubt here, allow me to remove it. Even if lions could talk, and they can’t, the king of the goddamned jungle wouldn’t mumble about vibrations, energy and other hippy bullshit.

He would let all of you know that he is now a ghost lion, and he is going to feast on your nightmares and hunt your dream-self for sport until you either die of terror or piss yourself awake.

The American public sucks, our politicians are terrible, and the media is the worst of the three.

The Democratic Party has become a goddamned caricature so hackneyed it would be rejected for a Saturday Night Live script. And this latest episode where Democratic presidential hopefuls had to beg forgiveness for saying that white lives matter is just the latest example of why leftists should never manage anything, for any reason – ever.

And don’t think for a second I’m letting Republicans off the hook. Foreign policy and the economy used to be their strengths, but now they’ve adopted a policy of ruinously expensive wars coupled with outsourcing our manufacturing base that’s sure to end in economic collapse.

But for all the faults of our moronic citizens, greedy corporate oligarchs and jagoff leaders, one the biggest millstones dragging our country to the bottom of the cesspool has to be the liberal media.

They want open borders, but also want a welfare state. They champion personal freedom, but crusade against any form of personal accountability. They say nobody should be told what to do, but expect everyone to be bailed out when their endless bad choices and screw-ups become too much to bear. And don’t even get me started about our new anti-racism obsession.

For too long politicians have cowered before these simpletons in their bully pulpits because we as a nation have been conditioned to be terrified of a bad review or any public criticism.

That’s why Trump’s bombast, bluster and flat-out prick attitude is refreshing. Rather than shrinking from conflict, he relishes it, and that’s why the left hates him so. Like religion, their dogma is best swallowed, not analyzed, and once part of it falls, the whole shaky edifice is in danger of collapse.