Slavery gets a bad rap because it’s often linked to racism, but what if we changed all that. Rather than enslaving a particular race or culture, how about we opened things up and said anyone could be a slave. It wouldn’t matter if you’re black, white, yellow or brown, you’ll all be equal when the slave catcher comes to town.
There are over 311 million Americans, and if we enslaved just 20% of them, that’s over 60 million slaves. We could literally export our way out of this financial crisis, and we could do it with commodities we already have.
I’m sure there are plenty of wealthy Arab sheiks willing to pay big money for hot chicks, and I imagine stars like Angelina Jolie or Christina Hendricks would go for millions a piece. We probably want to round up as many Hollywood actresses and famous musicians as quickly as possible because their notoriety will really drive up prices.
We also shouldn’t overlook male actors and musicians. Justin Bieber may look twelve, but he’s actually legal, and he could net us a small fortune. I predict wealthy pedophiles would literally fight to own him, and if the price is right, one lucky guy could be sodomizing him in his giant mansion by supper time.
After we sell all of our famous people, we would still have plenty of ordinary people left. They wouldn’t make us huge profits individually, but we’d be able to compensate for that by sheer volume.
I for one would be very interested in a house midget, but since there won’t be many of them, I doubt I could get one in my price range. Then again, if I sold my wife and kids, maybe I could. Maybe I could.
During World War II the Germans invaded Greece, and since the Nazis proved to be more than a match for their catapults and spears, the country was brought to its knees in a matter of weeks. Unfortunately for the Greeks the Germans were not a gentle lover, and hundreds of thousands of Greeks starved to death or were shot in retaliation for partisan raids during the subsequent occupation.
Sixty-five years later the Greeks are up in arms because the Germans are demanding steep spending cuts and austerity measures in return for another bail-out of their broke-assed economy. Anti-German rhetoric is at such a fever pitch that ordinary Germans are leery of coming to Greece on vacation. This is a problem because a staggering 15% of the Greek economy is directly dependent on tourism, and Germans make up the largest percentage of visitors.
The Greek economy is a joke, and they almost make the U.S. appear to be well-led. Their government has been overspending for decades, and all employees were guaranteed a pension that was covered by the state. Before recent reforms people were retiring as young as 40 on a reduced pension, and if you had a job like hairdresser, which was classified as “arduous and hazardous,” you got additional payments.
Germany just approved another bail-out of the Greeks, but instead of wasting even more money, they should just consider invading. They obviously like going there, and since the Greeks are still as incompetent as they were in 1941, it should be a fairly easy war.
The more I think about it, the more sense this makes. We in the U.S. have been invading god-forsaken jungles, deserts and mountain strongholds for decades, and we should team up with the Germans and invade someplace with a nice climate and picturesque beaches. It would be good for our boys to get to go someplace nice for a change.
In an era of hundreds of cable channels and nearly unlimited online offerings, PBS has somehow defied the odds and continued to exist. That may be about to change, however, as The National Endowment for the Arts (NEA) cut funding to many established PBS shows and redirected some of that funding to games, mobile and Web-based offerings.
Neal Shapiro, the president and CEO of WNET, complained that if they can’t make up funding elsewhere, they won’t be able to “. . . help as many regional arts organizations and independent filmmakers share their work with the nation.”
Oh no, how will we manage? I sure hope someone steps up to fund these shows only watched by shut-ins and dogs chewing on their owners’ remote controls.
In case you thought the NEA might have decided to fund things people will actually enjoy, you can relax. Alt.Latino received a big grant to podcast alternative Latin music and NPR will continue to get money to produce programs that border on violating the anti-torture provisions of the Geneva Convention.
My favorite part of all of this is just how out of touch the NEA has become. In a bid to embrace gamers, one of the grants they awarded was to the University of Southern California which is developing a video game that uses the writings of Henry David Thoreau.
Man that sounds like a blast. When that “game” comes out, I may actually get it to torment my kids. When they’re bad, they will have to either play it as punishment or sit quietly in the corner. Something tells me they’ll pick the corner.
Every week it seems the TSA is in the news for aggressive searches of kids and cripples, and I can’t help but feel if they were just allowed to racially profile people, all of this could be avoided. I for one always keep a book of paint swatches in my pocket, and if someone is darker than “classic khaki” I know to keep an eye on them.
I don’t even get why the TSA is bothering patting down people in wheelchairs. If they try to seize the plane all you have to do is tip them over. They don’t really have any way to combat that. They have all of a turtle’s weaknesses but none of its strengths.
On Monday agents at JFK Airport caused a family to miss their flight because they insisted on a full inspection of a six-year-old girl with cerebral palsy and a developmental disability. The kid was in leg braces and walks with the aid of crutches, but these morons determined she could pose a safety risk to other passengers.
This comes on the heels of an incident in Kansas where TSA agents tried to take a four-year-old girl into another room for an individual screening. When she did the right thing and ran away from these jumped-up mall cops, one of them threatened to shut down the entire airport. Since it was Kansas, I imagine only a few dozen people and maybe some livestock were affected, but it’s still just another example of this agency’s incompetence.
In the last year TSA agents have been busted for child porn, running prostitutes, and for accepting bribes to allow drugs into the country. At some point you have to ask, what’s the point? I’d rather they just put two undercover air marshals on every flight and did away with TSA altogether. That still has to be cheaper than the cost of what we’re doing now.
The EEOC has decided that Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 now applies to trannies. If you discriminate against them, or refuse to hire them, you will be in violation of federal law and the government will
surgically remove your penis punish you.
I have a lot of questions here, and seeing as the EEOC no longer accepts my calls, I’m not sure how to get answers. Does this apply to both post-op and pre-op trannies because there’s a huge difference? A pre-op tranny is just a cross-dresser, and if you make out with him you’re gay. A post-op tranny is a whole different animal, and if she’s at least a c-cup, and possibly even a big b, you’re definitely not gay.
Even before the addition of trannies, I felt the EEOC’s interpretation of Title VII was far too strict, and there should be room for at least some discrimination. For example, fat women should not be covered by Title VII because unless they’re mocked and ridiculed, they’ll never develop the eating disorders that will allow them to become hot.
The same goes for those women who are flat chested. Since our corrupt insurance companies won’t cover breast augmentation, we need to be allowed to wage a campaign of encouragement to let those poor women know how much better off they’ll be when they no longer have the bodies of pre-pubescent boys.
I think taking pictures of them at work and using a Sharpie to draw big round boobs on them is perfectly acceptable, and I should never have been fined for leaving these pictures taped to their work-stations.
This same line of thought applies to trannies. If all of them looked like Canadian Miss Universe contestant, Jenna Talackova, we wouldn’t have any problems. But if a dude wants to become a chick, he needs to accept that the formerly acceptable male traits of being fat and hairy are now strictly forbidden, and if I see even the hint of a back pelt, I will publicly shear you like a sheep.
The Pew Hispanic Center just released a study showing that for the first time since the Great Depression more Mexicans are leaving the U.S. than coming in. I can’t say that I’m totally surprised. Thanks to the incompetence of both Democrats and Republicans our once mighty economy has tanked, and we’re just not the same country we used to be.
Many of those leaving the U.S. have cited the drop in home prices in Mexico as a key reason they’re heading home. A glut of chicken wire, cardboard and mismatched boards has driven Mexican home prices into the single digits, finally putting the dream of home ownership within reach of the average Mexican. In most instances, it’s actually below the cost of a Taco Bell value meal.
Another thing making Mexico attractive is a recent burro baby boom. No one is sure why, but the population of the small donkeys has exploded in recent years allowing even the poorest Mexicans access to cheap and reliable transportation.
The final piece of the puzzle has to be the fact that you can actually live your life in Mexico without having every single goddamned aspect of it regulated, like here in the U.S. You may have to worry about corrupt officials, murderous drug cartels and the ever-present chupacabra menace, but at least you can talk on your walkie-talkie while driving your 1963 Ford Fairlane without getting a ticket.
Mexico, it’s now officially the land of the free.
Fresh off its latest missile turned submarine test, North Korea has lobbed a number of threats at its neighbor to the south. My favorite was the one where they said they would reduce the South Korean capital to ashes by “unprecedented peculiar means and methods of our own style.”
Say what you will about those crazy little bastards, but no one crafts a line best uttered by a supervillain better than them.
North Korea has its panties in a bunch because South Korea’s leader, Lee Myung-Bak, mentioned last week that the estimated $850 million North Korea just wasted trying to launch a rocket could have been better spent. Specifically, it could have been used to buy 2.5 million tons of corn for its starving population.
Seeing as that statement made perfect sense, it enraged the North Koreans. As socialists, they despise reason and logic and have pledged themselves only to advocate policies doomed to fail.
The fact that North Korea has a new leader who suffered humiliation on the world stage immediately after taking office has led many to suspect the nuclear-armed North will attack the South in some way. It could be cyber-terrorism, actual terrorism, or a manufactured military clash on the border.
Then again, seeing as we’re talking about North Korea, they may just up and do something truly nuts. I envision a thousand men on hang-gliders made of bamboo and thatch launching kamikaze attacks against the South Korean navy. Yep, that sounds exactly crazy enough to be their plan.
A small segment of our population seems obsessed with diet and exercise, and I just can’t see the point. In the unhealthiest sections of our country, mainly the rural South, men only live to be about 67. However, in affluent enclaves, the male life expectancy jumps to the 80s. My problem is I can’t fathom why in the hell anyone would want to live to be in their 80s.
To me, 67 seems just about right for a life expectancy. You made it to retirement and then you kicked the bucket before your meager savings were exhausted. That’s just smart planning.
We all know people who exercise five times a week, agonize about what they eat and read product ingredient labels like they’re Champollion trying to decipher the Rosetta Stone. Have they ever really stopped and thought about the implications of all this sacrifice?
I eat a diet comprised solely of meat, bread and alcohol, and these health nuts are only going to live 10 or 20 years more than me. Since we don’t live in a bad sci-fi novel, we don’t age in reverse. Even if you eat right and exercise, you’re not exactly getting extra prime years here. You’ll still be old and gross, and even your own kids will despise you.
You’ll tell rambling stories that go nowhere, drive 10 miles under the speed limit, and make desperate small-talk with anyone who’ll listen. If you’re lucky, you’ll find yourself caged in some rest home staring at a tv and waiting for a phone call that will never come.
My advice is to sell your treadmill and buy a good liquor cabinet. It’s a lot more fun and makes a hell of a lot more sense in the long-run.
Mexican Walmart, also known as Walmex, is now Mexico’s largest private employer and 20% of all Walmart stores are located south of the border. In order to expedite their rapid expansion, Walmex CEO Eduardo Castro-Wright is alleged to have spearheaded a massive bribery campaign to get local officials to approve new stores.
I for one am shocked that a large company would have to bribe corrupt government officials in a third-world country in order to do business. Wait a minute. No I’m not. I’m not an idiot so I accept that’s how business gets done everywhere outside of here and Western Europe, and if that’s what it takes, than that’s what it takes.
Unfortunately, our government is less realistic, and back in the 1970s the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act was passed. This law forbids the payment of bribes to foreign government officials, and for some unknown reason DOJ has recently stepped up enforcement of it.
I’m still baffled why this is illegal in the U.S. If Mexico wants to prosecute these local officials for corruption, that’s fine. But why are we punishing Walmart for being extorted. Mexico is a country with a barely functioning central government where large swaths of its territory are controlled by drug cartels. I’m sure Walmart would have preferred not to pay millions to corrupt officials, but that’s just the cost of doing business.
Walmart now has to spend millions to conduct an internal investigation, and those costs are going to be passed along to me, which pisses me off. Fighting corruption in Mexico is like fighting sister-banging in West Virginia. You’re never going to win that battle so don’t even waste your time.
When I was sitting in the delivery room a few months ago waiting for my latest unwanted miracle, I had time to reflect on how my life went so terribly wrong. In between the screams and the commands to hold this or fetch that, the answer became clear. I was born about 50 years too late.
If you were a man in the fifties, you didn’t have to stand by your wife’s side as she was giving birth. You hung out in the waiting room, and your only job was to give out cigars once your kid was born. After the birth, your only responsibility was to give your new son a hearty handshake before heading out to the bar to celebrate.
If after celebrating you had a few too many drinks and hit the road, there was no need to worry. Virginia had no laws against drunk driving. Amazingly, it wasn’t until 1984 that the Commonwealth decided simply being drunk while driving was a crime, and then you had to blow higher than a 0.15.
After you returned home and slept off your drunk, you didn’t even have to worry about any of those annoying childcare responsibilities. Getting up in the middle of the night was woman’s work, and as the baby was too young for a taste of your belt, your duties to discipline the little tike were still years in the future.
What a great time to be alive.