Islam Now The Dominant Religion of U.S. Conservatives

unnamed Thanks to the stunning and unexpected conversion of two prominent American evangelical leaders, U.S. men and women who self-identify as conservative have converted to Islam in staggering numbers over the last 12 months.

In addition to the “miraculous” conversions of the formerly Christian pastors, many converts cite the leftward shift of major Christian sects as well as their anger at being constantly blamed, ignored or belittled by an out-of-touch leftist media and government.

The liberal elite who dominate print and broadcast news networks initially welcomed the changes as a repudiation of America’s “bigoted Christian” past, but many now realize their support was woefully misguided.

Abortion clinics have virtually disappeared from 35 of the 50 U.S. states, and due to frequent terror attacks, Israel has evacuated nearly two million Jews from the U.S. in just the last 6 months, but their ability to feed and house such a large influx of people has strained the state to the breaking point.

Frequent Caliphate attacks on her border have complicated matters, and Israel’s decision to remove the entire population of Gaza to house the newcomers has invited worldwide condemnation.

President Clinton’s decision to temporarily relocate the U.S. Capital to the Hudson military district has also drawn widespread criticism, and this has only been amplified by the recent terror attacks on the region’s natural gas pipelines and the bouncing bomb attack that breached the dam at the Niagara Falls power facility.


Scientists Say “Five Second Rule” Is Bullshit

unnamed As a lazy drunk, I often find myself dropping food on the floor and then facing a familiar dilemma. Should I clean it up and make more food or just say fuck it and get down on all fours and eat it off the carpet puppy style.

Since self-respect and dignity are just fancy words for fancy people, I usually take the pet approach, but researchers at Rutgers University say in a new study that not only is the five second rule nonsense, but bacteria contaminates food as soon as it hits the floor.

We needed research to tell us that?

How in the hell did people think this dynamic worked? Did they assume bacteria just ran across the floor like a herd of microscopic wolves and jumped on their food, and if they could just pick it up quickly, it would be fine?

In the big picture sense, it appears Rutgers’ research teams are about as competent as their football team, because if anything, we should probably be dumping more shit on the floor and eating it. I have three kids under the age of ten, and it’s shocking how many of their friends have asthma, dermatitis, and allergies.

Thankfully, my indifferent parenting ensures the kids have a steady stream of contact with stray animals, dirt and even a pig I got for free off Craigslist before realizing the truly astounding amount of damage one single pig can do in about three days.

The problem is people have turned their homes into little clean-rooms, and not only are kids’ immune systems not being stimulated, but without outside threats, their immune systems are turning on themselves.

Five second rule aside, a little floor food won’t kill you, and it may even make you healthier in the long run.


Toyota Built A Companion Robot

kirobo3 Toyota combined the Japanese words for hope and robot and made a 4-inch little waste of metal and plastic they’re calling “Kirobo.” It can’t walk or move, but it comes equipped with a camera, microphone and Bluetooth, and Toyota says it has the intelligence of a five-year-old kid.

Basically, it can’t do much other than provide vaguely applicable feedback to your statements, but Fuminori Kataoka, the general manager of the project, said Kirobo’s value is emotional, and it will give the desperately lonely people who buy it the illusion of companionship in their otherwise lonely, desolate lives.

While that may actually be the single saddest thing I’ve ever written, the increasing alienation and isolation of our modern world isn’t my gripe here. I finally got around to watching the premiere of Westworld last night, and I’m starting to get dismayed by the lag between the awesome robots we see in movies and on television and the complete waste-of-time bullshit like Kirobo I get in real life.

Is it too much to ask for a goddamned slave bot I can make clean the house, mow the lawn or maybe even pick cotton if I get drunk enough to buy cotton seeds and plant them in our little herb garden?

We blow trillions of dollars in this country waging wars for no discernible purpose, and I think we’d be better served plowing that money into advanced robot design and research.

If we committed all of our country’s resources to this project, in ten years we could all be kicking back in our space loungers getting WALL-E fat while these metal automatons do all the stuff I’m now being forced to do because my stupid town ran off all the Mexicans from the Home Depot parking lot.


When Did The U.S. Become A Hereditary Monarchy?

unnamed There was a time in this country when we had to answer to kings and queens. As those effeminate, inbred royals wandered aimlessly around their castles, brave American settlers carved farms out of the wilderness and used their diseased bodies to spread plagues among their Indian enemies.

When the mad king, George III, came to the throne, America threw off the shackles of monarchy and instituted a system where the strong would compete to see who was most fit to rule.

Abraham Lincoln defeated Stephen Douglas in an axe fight, Teddy Roosevelt bested Alton Parker in a 93-round bare knuckle boxing match and according to legend, Andrew Jackson kicked John Quincy Adams so hard in the nuts during a debate, Adams retired from politics altogether.

Then a strange thing happened; we slowly turned back the clock to a failed hereditary system.

George H.W. Bush was a crappy one-term president, and for some reason we elected his mildly retarded son to serve after him. Bill Clinton was actually a decent president, but there seems a good chance people will elect his malignant wife to serve after him.

If all hereditary monarchies share one trait, it’s that the successors are almost always worse than the person who started the dynasty.

Just look at North Korea. The founder of the current dynasty, Kim Il Sung, was incompetent, but he looks like Charlemagne compared to the dipshits who followed him.

Hillary Clinton has that terrifying mix of arrogance and incompetence that can only come from someone who keeps being allowed to fail upwards due to wealth and family connections. If she wins the presidency, everyone else is going to lose.


Hillary Touts New Gimp-centric Economy

Hillary Clinton delivered a speech in Orlando Wednesday unveiling her vision for a robust American economy.

What untapped resource will she harness? Will it be our oil reserves under otherwise terrible states like the Dakotas or Alaska? Perhaps it will be a plan to utilize our tremendous supplies of iron and nickel to revitalize our ailing steel industry.

Nope and nope. Her secret economic weapon is handicapped people.

Look, I have nothing against the handicapped, and after just finding this nude picture of Dutch wheelchair tennis athlete Esther Vergeer, I have a sneaking suspicion the words “wheelchair” and “porn” will play a prominent role in the rest of my week.

And as much as I enjoy looking at women who can actually put their legs behind their ears because they feel nothing below the waist, Hillary Clinton is just proposing more regulations, more bureaucracy and more of the same bullshit currently sinking the American economy because she thinks it will allow her to score political points.

Our politicians have gotten so stupid and terrible, it may be time to flip the script. They only get paid if they do a good job, and we get to vote on it.

Henceforth, every December 31st America will go the polls and vote whether the president did a good job and should be paid. If 51% say yes, that person gets a check. Otherwise, their bitch-ass just worked 365 for free.

And to help make public service an actual public service, and to cut out a major loophole here, no politician will ever be allowed to profit from speaking fees, foundation donations, consulting fees or any of the other ways we allow politicians to be bribed without actually calling them bribes.


More Nut Sacks Think We Might Live In The Matrix

amazing Last month, Elon Musk speculated we were all just characters in an ancestor simulation that future generations would run because for some reason they would want to create billions of expertly rendered artificial life forms and then subject them to poverty, war, crime and various other plagues.

And just this week analysts from Bank of America decided not to bother figuring out why their shitty bank consistently comes in last on J.D. Power surveys of mortgage customers, but instead issued a statement that there’s a 20%-50% chance our reality is just a simulation.

At first, I wrote this silly speculation off as just another example of babbling bullshit from science fiction obsessed smart guys who want to seem a little smarter than they are.

After all, they stopped building a road near my house because it threatened the habitat of some faggy little frog. Do you really expect me to believe future generations would have no problem creating genocide simulations on life forms that they’ve specifically created to feel pain?

Aside from the actual movie, these dopey Matrix arguments go back to The Simulation Argument put forward in 2003 by Swedish philosopher Nick Bostrom. In it, he speculated a loop of simulations spawning simulations, and if you have trillions of simulations, the math favors we’re in one.

Aside from the ethical arguments and staggering power requirements, here’s where the math really fails.

Last weekend I rented a mini-excavator to build a small goldfish pond for my wife. As I got progressively drunker while operating it, I decided to see just how deep of a hole I could dig before it ran out of gas.

For the record it was about 9-and-a-half feet, and I refuse to believe any simulation would render every inch of soil in a nearly ten-foot-deep hole behind my house on the one-in-a billion chance my drunk ass would dig it all up. Surely, you’d run into video game style invisible walls before that happened.


Unified Dance Theory and Euphemisms

unnamed-1 I went to a bar the other day, and as I drank my lunch I struck up a conversation with an old British expat. At some point we started discussing America’s economic decline, and I explained how my own Unified Dance Theory predicted this years ago.

Basically, the better the population of a country dances, the worse its economy will perform. For example, Spain has good dancers, and its economy sucks. Conversely, the only way to get the economically prosperous Germans to show any rhythm is to let them goose-step prisoners into a gas chamber.

I then explained that as America continues to see more immigration from third-world countries with strong dancing traditions, our economic strength will continue to deteriorate.

It was about this time a waitress walking by overheard our conversation and corrected me that the proper term for third-world was actually developing world. I then asked her the PC term for dismissive wanking motion, but she just waddled off to go get triggered elsewhere.

But, the more I thought about it, I realized that our new obsession with euphemisms is kind of a tacit admission that our best days are behind us, and we’ve sort of just given up.

We no longer try to actually fix problems, so we just give them shiny new names so they sound slightly less shitty.

For example, we can’t help you walk you dirty cripple, but we can refer to you as “differently abled” because, you know, that compensates for the cruel fate that makes you scoot around the floor on your ass while the rest of us enjoy the sweet luxury of bipedal locomotion.


Concerned Aids Rush Clinton Back To Her Sarcophagus

unnamedAccording to carvings on a stone monument discovered in modern-day Iraq, the entity we now know as Hillary Clinton was originally called Suttinu. She was born near the Euphrates River to a human mother and a demon sometime in the third millennia BC and terrorized the surrounding countryside for decades.

Eventually a coalition of forces from the city-states of Ur, Kish, Uruk and Lagash defeated her in an epic battle, and she was locked within a sarcophagus and walled inside a stone tomb.

She remained imprisoned there for over four thousand years, freed only in 1922 when Sir Leonard Wooley accidentally released her during his excavations of Mesopotamian burial sites.

Even though she no longer had a human form, her spirit remained tied to the area because of the powerful incantations the Priests of Enlil wrote on the linen strips used to bind her hands and feet.

Unfortunately, local villagers discovered this ancient linen in 1945, and they used it to weave textiles. Hillary Clinton’s father, Hugh Rodham was a textile maker, and he imported some of these damned fabrics in 1947 which allowed the demon to possess his eldest child, Hillary.

Normally, the bodies of possessed individuals die at relatively young ages, but this ancient demon has proven especially resilient. But, as the health of its host has started to fade it has gotten more desperate.

Much of Suttinu’s ancient energy remains bound with the stone of its old sarcophagus, and only by sleeping in it 15 hours a day can the creature muster the strength to continue.

And now it’s a race against time. Can the demon maintain this mortal form long enough to gain ultimate power and plunge the earth into eternal darkness? Only time will tell.


Cops Pull Guns On Man In Zorro Costume At Airport

GeorgeHamilton1 For a short while last year my hometown had a dipshit who dressed up as a scary clown in order to pop out and frighten children.

I imagine this sort of nonsense plays a lot better in Canada than central Virginia because this genius made the rookie mistake of scaring a little girl in front of her drunk redneck dad, who then used his own comically oversized work boots to stomp a clown-hole in Pennywise’s Ass.

Justified beatings aside, our society is constantly on edge, and last Sunday at Los Angeles International Airport a guy who makes his living dressing up as characters to take pictures with tourists on Hollywood Boulevard thought it would be a good idea to go to the airport dressed as Zorro to pick someone up.

Predictably, someone saw his plastic sword and called the cops, who responded by pulling their non-plastic guns and briefly detaining him. After a short while the LAPD realized the guy’s plastic sword was far less dangerous than the untreated syphilis lurking behind his soiled mask, so they let him go.

But, we’re still left with the issue of who is to blame here. I’d love to blame politicians because of the distrust they’ve sown by not realizing that their heavy-handed social engineering is a lot like a cock, and if it gets rammed down your throat enough times, you’ll eventually fight back.

But, that blame is misplaced. I think the lion’s share of culpability has to go to the American public and their lack of basic common fucking sense.

Everyone in this scenario is an idiot. You don’t go to the airport in a costume, you don’t freak out when you see a plastic sword, and you don’t draw your guns when faced with a paunchy middle-aged guy dressed as a c-rate character.

I know the government frowns on IQ tests, but we might need to start using them again. Maybe there’s an increase in solar radiation making us stupider, or perhaps we’re being poisoned by the chemicals in our food, but I just can’t escape the conclusion people are getting dumber by the day.


Robot Brothels Coming To The UK

PrisjpgNo one epitomizes the old adage of “When life gives you lemons, you throw a lemon party” quite like the British. In fact, I would sum up all of British history by saying they’re the finest at making the best out of a bad situation.

The live on a squalid, rain-soaked little island, and they found a way to harness its coal and iron reserves to build an Empire made up of far warmer and better places.

Their largest neighbor is absolutely infested with French people, so they established colonies across the globe with the simple but noble idea that no man should have to live in close proximity to a Frenchie.

And as study after study has painfully acknowledged, British women are the least attractive in the world, and it’s no wonder that homosexuality is known as “the British disease.”

In the old days, if you wanted to actually enjoy sex in that sunless land, you had to first visit one of their many pubs. People may joke the Irish are drunks, but that’s just because they’re silly drunks who like to make a scene. In actuality, no one swallows alcohol by the gallon in quiet desperation quite like a Brit.

But, things are looking up, because Matt McMullen, the CEO of RealDoll, recently announced during an AMA (Ask Me Anything) on Reddit that his company is working on actual robotic hookers and is creating an Artificial Intelligence that can either be connected to a robotic doll or experienced in a Virtual Reality environment.

It’s speculated that these dolls with be eagerly adopted by sex tourism spots like The Netherlands and Thailand, but I promise you that no one will get on board quicker than the Brits and in 15 years, English Robo-brothels will replace the iconic red telephone boxes and Big Ben as symbols of that long-suffering nation.