Keep Your Fake Service Animal At Home

A few months ago a chick had a meltdown and was drug off a Southwest flight at BWI because there were two dogs on it.  She said she had a life-threatening pet allergy, and that’s probably bullshit, but this whole “service animal” loophole has gotten way out of hand.

One of the dogs on the flight was an emotional support animal, and that somehow entitled it to be brought on the plane, yet the very same airline and airport made me throw my twelve-pack of emotional support Coors Banquet beers in the trash because they were more than 3.4 ounces.

Props to the TSA agent for casually mentioning that I could go drink them in the bathroom, but that’s beside the point.

Unless you’re blind, and you need a goddamned dog to keep you from walking into traffic or falling down empty elevator shafts, you don’t need a service animal.  I guess we can also let on the dogs that detect seizures, but that’s it.

The whole emotional support animal nonsense needs to end today, and I don’t want to be trapped in a narrow metal tube with your stupid dog when I had to leave mine with my idiot brother-in-law.

 

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Dark Entities

I don’t really get what these things are. As my wife and I were flipping through some pictures from last Christmas, we saw one of them in a snap we took of the kids’ Christmas play.

It looks malevolent enough, but what kind of masochistic creature would willingly watch a bunch of toddlers warble through Christmas songs? I almost wonder if it wasn’t an entity at all, but maybe a projection of us all dying a little inside.

Some people claim these things are demons, some say evil aliens, and few think they are the souls of particularly vile humans who refused to pass over to the other side.

I’m not sure about that, but we did have a mean-spirited apparition on the farm where I grew up, and we all just sort of accepted it. It could mimic the shape and mannerisms of specific people from behind, but for some reason it couldn’t do their faces.

It also had an off-putting habit of knocking a picture of Jesus off the wall every time somebody died. And after doing that, it would drag an old trunk from one end of the room to another.

Eventually one of my uncles got drunk and pissed off enough to burn that house down, but the thing just moved over to another old house on the property, and now we’re letting that one rot because no one will live in it, and we’re afraid to knock it down.

On the plus side, most of us don’t have to worry about this stuff too much longer. A priest once told me the Catholic Church knows the anti-Christ is real, and he was born during the pontificate of John Paul II.

That means this guy is anywhere from 12 years old to 39. He is also supposed to have blue eyes, if that helps.

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The Origin of the DC Sports Curse

If you ever had any doubt that a DC sports curse existed, the fifth inning of last night’s NLDS game between the Nationals and Cubs should have erased all doubts.

National’s manager Dusty Baker made the right decision to walk a patient batter for one who swings at nearly every pitch, and like clockwork, Nationals ace Max Scherzer struck him out. Except he didn’t.

An almost improbable series of events then transpired. There was a passed ball, a throwing error, catcher’s interference, and a hitter was struck with the bases loaded. I’ve never seen anything like it, but in context, it made perfect sense.

Washington DC sports are cursed, and the cause of that curse is Washington Redskin’s owner Daniel Marc Snyder.

Daniel Snyder was not born. He congealed in a pit deep in the bowels of hell. And on the fateful night of November 23, 1964, a demon stuffed him fully formed into his mother’s womb.

DC sports have always been the great unifier in a city gripped by division. It didn’t matter if you were a greedy Republican, an effeminate Democrat or a noble Whig, you cheered for the home teams, and you were rewarded with success.

The Bullets and Redskins combined for four championships in 15 years, but Satan knows that division and discord are the key to his conquest of the earth, and you have to give it Old Scratch, he isn’t in any hurry.

Like all great servants of darkness from Genghis Khan, Hitler, Stalin, to Pol Pot, Snyder has described his life as if he was sleepwalking. It’s almost as if a dark hand has guided him and steered him upon his path, and he was put upon this earth for only one purpose – to spread his dark shadow across the DC sports landscape and doom all who fall within it,

And until that hell-spawn is removed, DC sports will remain damned.

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Driverless Car Bombs Kill 20 In San Diego

In the first known attack of its kind, Islamic militants used driverless cars fitted with explosives to carry out a series of bomb attacks across the city of San Diego yesterday.

The targets ranged from busy pedestrian areas to a small park where office workers enjoyed their lunches, and the death toll from the attacks stands at twenty, but it is expected to rise.

Mexican drug cartels are suspected of renting their smuggling tunnels to Islamic terrorists, and these tunnels were utilized to import the nearly 900 pounds of explosives that were used.

According to reports, the plot was originally planned to be twice as large, but the arrest of one of the group’s leaders caused them to speed up their timetable and launch their assault prematurely.

A pre-dawn raid in City Heights revealed the true extent of the original attack plan and how lucky we are this second phase wasn’t implemented.

A sophisticated laboratory was being used to combine gasoline and gelling agents into a Napalm-like substance. It appears this material was intended to be sprayed from five additional cars which had been outfitted with 150 gallon tanks and sprayer systems.

According to one of the investigators, this would have allowed them to launch this flammable mixture onto buildings, bridges and other flammable targets, causing the largest fire in the city’s history.

Though they believe the imminent threat has been eliminated, local government officials are still asking the public to be vigilant. According to information found in the City Heights location, the terrorists who carried out this attack discovered a software exploit that would have allowed them to take control of many other driverless cars.

Until this software is fixed, any driverless car on the road could potentially be used as a weapon.

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Brave Woman Shoots Bum Who Told Her To Move Her Porsche

Not all heroes wear capes, and nowhere was that more evident than on a sidewalk in Nashville, TN in the early morning hours of a Saturday last month.

At the time, Katie Quackenbush was sitting in her finely tuned German automobile and sharing tunes from her sound system with other music aficionados on Nashville’s Music Row.

Unfortunately, a local transient, Gerald Melton, was sleeping on the sidewalk nearby, and he became angry that the smell of exhaust and the sound of loud music interrupted his sweet dreams of fortified wines and big rock candy mountains.

Unwilling to simply pick up his bindle and move his box down a block, Mr. Melton instead accosted Ms. Quackenbush. Details are sketchy, but it appears a verbal argument ensued, and Ms. Quackenbush said she felt threatened and fired two shots at Mr. Melton, one of which hit him in his gin-soaked belly.

Since Ms Quackenbush didn’t report the incident for nearly a week, and because her booking photo might as well be labeled “Disinterested hand-job,” the liberal media was quick to jump on this story and vilify her.

But my question is, why?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but when in the history of the goddamned world has a hobo ever done anything positive for anybody?

There’s a solid chance if you shit in the bushes next to a street, and you’re not on a leash, you’re not a contributing member of society and you should be counting your lucky stars I don’t whack you in the nuts with a car antenna every time I walk by.

I’m not saying vagrants should be hunted for sport, but if one of them comes at me at 3:00 AM on a dark street, I’m going to do whatever I can to prevent being bitten and turned into one of them.  I’ve seen enough movies to know their bites are infected, and that’s how the contagion spreads.

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North Korea Vows To Weaponize Hurricanes

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un reminds me a lot of drunk me. After a dozen or so cocktails, I come up with stupid ideas that never seem to hold up under the harsh glare of sobriety.

And while the flame thrower I built with the propane tank from my gas grill was awesome, the fact that I duct-taped a garden hose to a gas tank probably means I was once again precariously close to a Darwin award.

Kim Jong Un often threatens to destroy America or South Korea, but his military is antiquated, his missile technology sucks and his head looks a fat little pumpkin. He can talk the talk, but he definitely can’t walk the walk.

That’s why I was surprised last week when he threatened to weaponize a hurricane. At first the threat made no sense. Hurricanes are already remorseless agents of death and mayhem. How could you make that worse?

Then I thought about it, and the idea was brilliant. What’s scarier than a hurricane? Why a nuclear hurricane, that’s what.

If radioactive material was pumped into a hurricane, it would spew fallout over an enormous area and contaminate vast swathes of multiple states. It would turn a natural disaster into a national disaster, and there’s not much you can do to stop it.

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Liberals Demand That Egypt Remove Pyramids

Proving that modern American society has lost both its sense of humor and its goddamned mind, few people even raised an eyebrow yesterday when Antifa spokesman Chuck Brown demanded that Egypt “bulldoze the pyramids because they were built by slaves.”

In an hour long monologue that saw him pause only briefly to babble incoherently about socialism and oppression, Mr. Brown went on to demand that China remove its Great Wall, India the Taj Mahal and Rome the Colosseum, because they were all built by forced labor.

Predictably, Democratic and Republican politicians tripped over themselves to get on Twitter and voice their support for Mr. Brown’s imbecilic plan.

Congresswoman Maxine Waters also tweeted “Don’t forget about the Eiffel Tower” before eagle-eyed staffers deleted the post and found her a new coloring book and crayons to keep her occupied for the rest of the day.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham was contacted by the Washington Post for his opinion, but he was unavailable.

According to rumors, he was posting anonymously on message boards that even though Lindsey Graham is in his fifties, never married and sounds like a slightly gayer version of Snagglepuss, he “only likes banging hot snatch and 100% never hooks up with strange men on Grindr.”

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Kim Jong Un Vows To Make San Francisco Even More Flaming

Earlier this week North Korean dictator and dumpling enthusiast, Kim Jong Un, vowed to carry out a preemptive nuclear strike on the U.S. if it appeared his regime was about to be attacked.

He specifically mentioned the U.S. territory of Guam as a target which makes sense because it has a large U.S. military presence and is comparatively close to Korea. A handful of California’s cities have also been singled out, but I get the strange feeling the threats against San Francisco aren’t having the desired effect.

If there’s one city population in America that probably won’t mind being crammed nut-to-butt in cramped underground bomb shelters, it’s that one.

If I didn’t live so close to DC, I’d actually welcome a nice nuclear warhead draining the swamp of political corruption that’s endemic to the District of Columbia.

But, the more I think about it, none of these options are really crazy enough to be North Korea’s plan. I feel like you to have to get outside the box nuts to understand this chubby little bond villain, and that’s why I’m betting on a submarine bomb.

I would wager a thousand bucks that North Korea has at least investigated the possibility of a tsunami bomb but it only takes a few minutes to show the math just doesn’t work. The amount of nuclear material it would take to make a massive wave is just not practical.

If you fill a submarine up with nuclear weapons and detonate it in a confined space like the deep and high sided Columbia river, it may make a big enough wave to do some damage, but an underwhelming wave is worse than no wave at all.

That’s why the smart money is on a North Korean suicide sub jetting directly into a West Coast harbor before detonating it’s payload. And as an added F U, I’m guessing the bomb will be laced with dangerous isotopes to ensure the land is still glowing for the next century.

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What If God Isn’t Omnipotent?

I’ve always had a beef with religion.  If God is so goddamned powerful, why doesn’t he feed the hungry, heal the sick and cure whatever plague is ravaging our planet this month?

Sure, we as humans could do most of these things ourselves, but volunteering in a soup kitchen would require far more effort than I’m even willing to consider.

However, if I could just snap my fingers and magically give those filthy transients a pizza, I would definitely spare the ten seconds of energy to do that.

I might even do it almost every day.

God doesn’t do that, so there are three possibilities: he doesn’t exist, doesn’t care or can’t.

Rationally, I lean toward the doesn’t exist option, but the simple fact that we’ve evolved to believe in God or gods probably means something.  It might be that faith is just a great coping mechanism to overcome the unceasing misery of life, but it could be something else.

Even if God exists, he didn’t create the universe.  He probably doesn’t even care about gay marriage, pre-marital sex or the staggering amount of granny porn I view on any given day.  Rules on morality were created by man for man.

People have this idea that if there’s a God, he must be omnipotent, but last time I checked, magic isn’t real.  Maybe God actually exists, but he can only do a few things like whisper in your ear or send a picture of his son to appear in an old Mexican lady’s taco.

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Jesus Christ Beach Vacations Are Awful

There was a time when a beach vacation made a lot of sense. Before the availability of air-conditioning, I can imagine the relief of taking a steam train to the coast and lounging on the hotel’s veranda while a cool sea breeze almost made me forget I was wearing a wool suit and would later masturbate to the fleeting memory of some harlot’s naked ankle.

Fast forward a century and beach vacations are not only anachronistic, they’re fucking moronic.

And if you decide to go the Outer Banks of North Carolina like I did, prepare for an extra special slice of hell while you wait in a five-mile long traffic jam to cross the only goddamn bridge that leads there.

And after you arrive, there are a whole host of new problems.

For one, I’m white, and that angry yellow orb in the sky loves nothing better than frying my pasty ass a nice shade of burgundy. That’s why we wear clothes the other 358 days of the year. Not at the beach though. Here we get practically naked and dare it to fuck us up.

And not to be too alarmist here, but even after greasing myself and my three stupid kids with sunblock and carrying the five tons of shit down to the beach my wife decided we needed, my reward was to go into the only part of our planet where actual honest-to-God fucking monsters live – the ocean.

The only bright spot of the whole week was watching some fat guy freak out when two dolphins decided it would be fun to swim right up to him just to see if he’d crap his swimsuit.

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