Hillary Touts New Gimp-centric Economy

Hillary Clinton delivered a speech in Orlando Wednesday unveiling her vision for a robust American economy.

What untapped resource will she harness? Will it be our oil reserves under otherwise terrible states like the Dakotas or Alaska? Perhaps it will be a plan to utilize our tremendous supplies of iron and nickel to revitalize our ailing steel industry.

Nope and nope. Her secret economic weapon is handicapped people.

Look, I have nothing against the handicapped, and after just finding this nude picture of Dutch wheelchair tennis athlete Esther Vergeer, I have a sneaking suspicion the words “wheelchair” and “porn” will play a prominent role in the rest of my week.

And as much as I enjoy looking at women who can actually put their legs behind their ears because they feel nothing below the waist, Hillary Clinton is just proposing more regulations, more bureaucracy and more of the same bullshit currently sinking the American economy because she thinks it will allow her to score political points.

Our politicians have gotten so stupid and terrible, it may be time to flip the script. They only get paid if they do a good job, and we get to vote on it.

Henceforth, every December 31st America will go the polls and vote whether the president did a good job and should be paid. If 51% say yes, that person gets a check. Otherwise, their bitch-ass just worked 365 for free.

And to help make public service an actual public service, and to cut out a major loophole here, no politician will ever be allowed to profit from speaking fees, foundation donations, consulting fees or any of the other ways we allow politicians to be bribed without actually calling them bribes.


More Nut Sacks Think We Might Live In The Matrix

amazing Last month, Elon Musk speculated we were all just characters in an ancestor simulation that future generations would run because for some reason they would want to create billions of expertly rendered artificial life forms and then subject them to poverty, war, crime and various other plagues.

And just this week analysts from Bank of America decided not to bother figuring out why their shitty bank consistently comes in last on J.D. Power surveys of mortgage customers, but instead issued a statement that there’s a 20%-50% chance our reality is just a simulation.

At first, I wrote this silly speculation off as just another example of babbling bullshit from science fiction obsessed smart guys who want to seem a little smarter than they are.

After all, they stopped building a road near my house because it threatened the habitat of some faggy little frog. Do you really expect me to believe future generations would have no problem creating genocide simulations on life forms that they’ve specifically created to feel pain?

Aside from the actual movie, these dopey Matrix arguments go back to The Simulation Argument put forward in 2003 by Swedish philosopher Nick Bostrom. In it, he speculated a loop of simulations spawning simulations, and if you have trillions of simulations, the math favors we’re in one.

Aside from the ethical arguments and staggering power requirements, here’s where the math really fails.

Last weekend I rented a mini-excavator to build a small goldfish pond for my wife. As I got progressively drunker while operating it, I decided to see just how deep of a hole I could dig before it ran out of gas.

For the record it was about 9-and-a-half feet, and I refuse to believe any simulation would render every inch of soil in a nearly ten-foot-deep hole behind my house on the one-in-a billion chance my drunk ass would dig it all up. Surely, you’d run into video game style invisible walls before that happened.


Unified Dance Theory and Euphemisms

unnamed-1 I went to a bar the other day, and as I drank my lunch I struck up a conversation with an old British expat. At some point we started discussing America’s economic decline, and I explained how my own Unified Dance Theory predicted this years ago.

Basically, the better the population of a country dances, the worse its economy will perform. For example, Spain has good dancers, and its economy sucks. Conversely, the only way to get the economically prosperous Germans to show any rhythm is to let them goose-step prisoners into a gas chamber.

I then explained that as America continues to see more immigration from third-world countries with strong dancing traditions, our economic strength will continue to deteriorate.

It was about this time a waitress walking by overheard our conversation and corrected me that the proper term for third-world was actually developing world. I then asked her the PC term for dismissive wanking motion, but she just waddled off to go get triggered elsewhere.

But, the more I thought about it, I realized that our new obsession with euphemisms is kind of a tacit admission that our best days are behind us, and we’ve sort of just given up.

We no longer try to actually fix problems, so we just give them shiny new names so they sound slightly less shitty.

For example, we can’t help you walk you dirty cripple, but we can refer to you as “differently abled” because, you know, that compensates for the cruel fate that makes you scoot around the floor on your ass while the rest of us enjoy the sweet luxury of bipedal locomotion.


Concerned Aids Rush Clinton Back To Her Sarcophagus

unnamedAccording to carvings on a stone monument discovered in modern-day Iraq, the entity we now know as Hillary Clinton was originally called Suttinu. She was born near the Euphrates River to a human mother and a demon sometime in the third millennia BC and terrorized the surrounding countryside for decades.

Eventually a coalition of forces from the city-states of Ur, Kish, Uruk and Lagash defeated her in an epic battle, and she was locked within a sarcophagus and walled inside a stone tomb.

She remained imprisoned there for over four thousand years, freed only in 1922 when Sir Leonard Wooley accidentally released her during his excavations of Mesopotamian burial sites.

Even though she no longer had a human form, her spirit remained tied to the area because of the powerful incantations the Priests of Enlil wrote on the linen strips used to bind her hands and feet.

Unfortunately, local villagers discovered this ancient linen in 1945, and they used it to weave textiles. Hillary Clinton’s father, Hugh Rodham was a textile maker, and he imported some of these damned fabrics in 1947 which allowed the demon to possess his eldest child, Hillary.

Normally, the bodies of possessed individuals die at relatively young ages, but this ancient demon has proven especially resilient. But, as the health of its host has started to fade it has gotten more desperate.

Much of Suttinu’s ancient energy remains bound with the stone of its old sarcophagus, and only by sleeping in it 15 hours a day can the creature muster the strength to continue.

And now it’s a race against time. Can the demon maintain this mortal form long enough to gain ultimate power and plunge the earth into eternal darkness? Only time will tell.


Cops Pull Guns On Man In Zorro Costume At Airport

GeorgeHamilton1 For a short while last year my hometown had a dipshit who dressed up as a scary clown in order to pop out and frighten children.

I imagine this sort of nonsense plays a lot better in Canada than central Virginia because this genius made the rookie mistake of scaring a little girl in front of her drunk redneck dad, who then used his own comically oversized work boots to stomp a clown-hole in Pennywise’s Ass.

Justified beatings aside, our society is constantly on edge, and last Sunday at Los Angeles International Airport a guy who makes his living dressing up as characters to take pictures with tourists on Hollywood Boulevard thought it would be a good idea to go to the airport dressed as Zorro to pick someone up.

Predictably, someone saw his plastic sword and called the cops, who responded by pulling their non-plastic guns and briefly detaining him. After a short while the LAPD realized the guy’s plastic sword was far less dangerous than the untreated syphilis lurking behind his soiled mask, so they let him go.

But, we’re still left with the issue of who is to blame here. I’d love to blame politicians because of the distrust they’ve sown by not realizing that their heavy-handed social engineering is a lot like a cock, and if it gets rammed down your throat enough times, you’ll eventually fight back.

But, that blame is misplaced. I think the lion’s share of culpability has to go to the American public and their lack of basic common fucking sense.

Everyone in this scenario is an idiot. You don’t go to the airport in a costume, you don’t freak out when you see a plastic sword, and you don’t draw your guns when faced with a paunchy middle-aged guy dressed as a c-rate character.

I know the government frowns on IQ tests, but we might need to start using them again. Maybe there’s an increase in solar radiation making us stupider, or perhaps we’re being poisoned by the chemicals in our food, but I just can’t escape the conclusion people are getting dumber by the day.


Robot Brothels Coming To The UK

PrisjpgNo one epitomizes the old adage of “When life gives you lemons, you throw a lemon party” quite like the British. In fact, I would sum up all of British history by saying they’re the finest at making the best out of a bad situation.

The live on a squalid, rain-soaked little island, and they found a way to harness its coal and iron reserves to build an Empire made up of far warmer and better places.

Their largest neighbor is absolutely infested with French people, so they established colonies across the globe with the simple but noble idea that no man should have to live in close proximity to a Frenchie.

And as study after study has painfully acknowledged, British women are the least attractive in the world, and it’s no wonder that homosexuality is known as “the British disease.”

In the old days, if you wanted to actually enjoy sex in that sunless land, you had to first visit one of their many pubs. People may joke the Irish are drunks, but that’s just because they’re silly drunks who like to make a scene. In actuality, no one swallows alcohol by the gallon in quiet desperation quite like a Brit.

But, things are looking up, because Matt McMullen, the CEO of RealDoll, recently announced during an AMA (Ask Me Anything) on Reddit that his company is working on actual robotic hookers and is creating an Artificial Intelligence that can either be connected to a robotic doll or experienced in a Virtual Reality environment.

It’s speculated that these dolls with be eagerly adopted by sex tourism spots like The Netherlands and Thailand, but I promise you that no one will get on board quicker than the Brits and in 15 years, English Robo-brothels will replace the iconic red telephone boxes and Big Ben as symbols of that long-suffering nation.


“Predatory” Auto Lending

gascap Human queef John Oliver used the most recent episode of his HBO show “Last Week Tonight” to attack predatory auto lending. Specifically, he went after the industry’s practice of abducting people and subjecting them to savage beatings that only stop after they buy one of their cars at a high interest rate.

Wait? What? That’s not what they do? It seems auto lenders advertise a product, allow customers to test-drive that product, arrange financing on-site, present payment options to consumers and then allow them to decide whether they want the product for that price and interest rate.

How terrible.

John Oliver epitomizes everything that is wrong with America, and his endless campaign for an over-arching nanny state where everyone would be protected from every stupid decision only ends one way. You wind up with a repressive police state that regulates and controls every facet of your existence.

Banks set different interest rates because it’s all based on how big of a fuck-up you are. If you buy stuff and then pay for it during the agreed-upon timeframe, you’re not a fuck-up and get a good rate. If you are a fuck-up, the bank knows there’s a good chance you won’t pay off your debt, so you get a higher rate so they’ll get more of their money back sooner.

And not to get off topic here, but I used to sell cars, and if you want the best deal, don’t go into the dealership and talk to some sleazebag salesman. Go through the dealership’s Internet department at the end of the month. That’s how dealerships keep up their volume, and it’s how you get the very best deal.

Much like the Holocaust, female orgasm, and multicultural harmony, predatory lending is just another silly liberal myth.


Trump Plans To Let Parents Deduct All Childcare Costs

bedfellowsDonald Trump unveiled more details about his economic plan this week, and limousine liberals and filthy-rich Republicans joined forces to attack it.

The fact that it cut taxes for the middle class and actually attempted to improve the lot of American workers was ignored because our media is comprised of morons, and their millionaire and billionaire masters only listen to the lower classes when they come to burn down their castles.

Jeffrey Miron, the director of economic studies at the elite-friendly Cato Institute, summed up the warped logic of opposition best when he said allowing parents to deduct childcare expenses “. . .incentivizes more children and spending — the opposite of good reform.”

I hate to burst your bubble, dickhead, but countries need a younger generation to survive, and kids are a terrible financial decision for parents, no matter how you crunch the numbers. They cost a shit-ton of money, and if I didn’t have three of them, I’d have an extra $30,000 in my pocket, every single year.

And while childcare costs are just one of the many expenses associated with these little money-pits, they’re substantial. Daycare now costs me about $500 a week, and like every other parent in the country, I’d rather get some of my cash back instead of letting the government spend it on illegal immigrants and endless wars.

The media in this country is made up of short-sighted dolts who are so brainwashed by multiculturalism that they’ll never get past Trump’s commitment to fix our broken immigration system. Instead, they’ll regurgitate endless left-wing jargon while maintaining an unfair system that’s slowly bleeding the middle class dry while creating the richest aristocracy in world history.

I used to have hope for this country, but I’m not sure I see things getting settled without a complete meltdown first.


Will Russia Be Banned From The Special Olympics, Too?

Nate The United States and her failing satellites in Europe tried to get the IOC to ban Russia from the Summer Olympics in Brazil for systematic doping, but Russian bribes to IOC officials thankfully caused them to reconsider.

Ultimately only a few dozen of her athletes were prohibited from competing in Rio, but the Paralympics, which immediately follows the summer and winter games and allows cripples and gimps to shuffle around on their nubs in a macabre imitation of actual Olympic competition has taken a harder line.

Since Russians aren’t paying, their athletes aren’t playing, and the entire Russian delegation is being denied access to compete.

As I’ve long maintained, drug testing in sports is ridiculous, and people should be allowed to ingest or slam anything they want to gain a competitive edge. Sports shouldn’t only be reserved for people who hit the genetic lottery and were born strong or fast.

If some cocktail of pills, potions or steroids allows you to win, then you’re a winner in my book. No one cares how you crossed the finish line so long as you cross it first. And if you don’t believe me, look at China.

Their athletics programs are every bit as corrupt as those in Russia, and their entire modern economy is based on trademark and copyright violations, industrial espionage and unfair trade practices. But, the U.S. and Europe are afraid to mess with them, so they get a free pass.

And what about the Russian Special Olympics Team? Are they going to be the next victim of this Western witch-hunt?

One of the highlights of my year is watching their juiced-up tards fly around the track, pump crazy iron and almost drown faster and harder than anyone else. Christ I hope they don’t take that away from me.


Head-Shaped Urns Are The Stuff Of Nightmares

Head The good folks at Cremation Solutions have finally found a way to make death even more terrifying. For a mere $2,600 they will create a life-sized 3-D model of your deceased loved-one’s head to act as an urn to hold their cremated ashes.

According to their website, the heads are mounted on fine Verde marble bases, and since the ash hole is permanently plugged after the ashes are added, there’s no danger of the cat knocking over the head and spilling ashes all over the room.

And as much as spilled urns are a lazy sitcom and movie trope, my neighbor swears it happened to her aunt’s urn, and after they vacuumed up the ashes, the vacuum cleaner would mysteriously turn itself on.

Personally, I think that’s just a sign of good character that the old bag was still trying to do housework even in the after-life, but they got all freaked out and literally gave the vacuum a little funeral ceremony and buried it with dignity and respect.

I’m not sure if that’s going to appease her soul after they burned her earthly remains in a giant goddamned oven and then dumped her all over the living room floor, but who knows.

Much like the Chinese prostitutes I used to frequent, I prefer to maintain a discrete ancestor shrine in my home. That way, when I need guidance or want to direct supernatural acts of revenge against my many enemies, I can pray to them for help.

And as a handy note, spirits just want to be at peace, so if you dig them up and take a few bones, they’ll do almost anything to be whole again. Use that information wisely. Or abuse it, I really don’t care.