Trump Proposes New Liberal Tax

The left-wing media has been in an uproar over President Trump’s plan to remove federal funding from the National Endowment for the Arts and PBS but they’re expected to positively go ballistic over his proposed new liberal tax.

It turns out foot-stomping tirades, vagina-inspired protests and impassioned Facebook posts don’t actually do anything to help the oppressed people that liberals pretend to care so much about, so the government plans to step in and do what their consciences won’t.

A full draft of the proposed document has yet to be released, but White House press secretary Sean Spicer has hinted that it’s going to be far reaching. In addition to taxing nearly all of their discretionary income, a sort of mandatory conscription has been proposed.

Studies have shown that households headed by liberals are actually 30% less likely to give to charitable causes than households headed by conservatives. Liberals are also less likely than conservatives to actually volunteer to help others, but this plan will change that.

Once enacted, men and women over the age of 18 who identify as liberal will be required to devote at least ten hours a week to actually helping others and simply posting for ten hours on Facebook that the government should do it won’t count. Ditto for voting Democrat and then sitting back with a sense of smug satisfaction.

It’s also being suggested that liberals should have to live for at least two years in predominantly non-white neighborhoods so their enlightened sense of race relations can inspire a sense a racial harmony. The joy of hunting them for sport is also expected to increase neighborhood morale.

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Washington Redskins Now Less Successful Than Actual Redskins

Redskins Team President Bruce Allen

By most measures, American Indians aren’t doing well. Their average incomes are far below the national average, the white man’s sweet, sweet fire-water continues to devastate their communities and thanks to heavy-handed wildlife policies, they’re only allowed to use half of the buffalo.

That being said, they’re still doing better than the NFL’s Washington Redskins.

The Skins pulled off one of their few competent moves a few years ago when they hired proven talent evaluator and magical drunk, Scot McCloughan, to be their general manager. Not coincidentally, they also posted their first back-to-back winning seasons in nearly 20 years.

Unfortunately, much like the Little Bighorn, this minor victory was fleeting because team president and human shit-stain Bruce Allen reportedly became jealous of all the credit McCloughan was getting and engineered his ouster.

Sure the team was 28-55 under Allen before McCloughan joined, but he can suddenly become competent, right?

Nope. Today was the first day of free agency, and the Skins are now the first team in league history to lose two wide receivers that had at least a thousand receiving yards the previous year.

And it was also leaked today that their quarterback, Kirk Cousins, offered to sign a team friendly long-term deal last year but Allen vetoed it. Instead, he countered with an absurdly low offer that pissed off Cousins so much he has now asked to be traded.

God I wish I had a nice smallpox blanket right about now.

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Witches Cast A Spell On Trump

I used to live next to moron, and he dated a really hot Native American chick but he cheated on her, and she said he cursed him. He then got freaked out because every time something bad happened to him, he attributed it to the curse.

I then explained that all of the bad things that kept happening to him like his DUI or his truck getting repossessed were because he was an imbecile and a fuck-up, not because his hot ex-girlfriend cast some hocus-pocus bullshit while dancing around a fire.

Plus, if injuns had any real magic, this would still be their country.

Flash forward a few years, and last Friday a group of new ladies put down Pinterest and Facebook long enough to gather under the crescent moon and cast a “binding spell” on Trump to keep him from doing harm and to banish him from office.

All they needed was an orange candle with Trump’s name inscribed on it with a pin, an unflattering photo of him (as if one exists), a Tarot card of The Tower and some other stupid thing I’m not even going to bother to look back up to type.

It may have been a feather.

Whatever the fuck it was, these dopes plan to continue casting their spells, and they’re calling for all likeminded witches to join them again on March 26, April 24th and May 23rd.

First off, are you idiots serious? Second, do you honestly think sitting on the floor chanting incantations you’ve read from your smart phone while moving novelty items around an orange candle will do anything?

I once kicked a gypsy in the nuts and nothing bad happened to me, so I’m pretty sure this curse nonsense is a waste of time.

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Publishers Are Hiring Sensitivity Readers

People like to describe things as Orwellian because they’re morons and don’t really understand the term, but in this case, the comparison might be appropriate. It seems book publishers are hiring super liberals to read manuscripts and remove any racist, sexist or otherwise offensive content.

These readers primarily focus on young adult fiction because kids are so easily triggered, but even newspapers are firing staff members who don’t toe the PC line.

Alan Linda, a columnist with the Fergus Falls Daily Journal in Minnesota was recently fired after he wrote an article bitching about sitting next to a fat ass on an airplane. In an editorial the newspaper justified his dismissal by saying Linda’s column not only offended many readers, “but also offended us.”

Not to inject a little reality here, but do you know who else says being fat is a bad thing? Your fucking doctor, that’s who.

Obesity is the number one cause of preventable health problems in America and that’s why every week I stand naked in front of a full-length mirror and berate myself for becoming a 220-pound wad of jiggling whale cum.

This week Other-me was particularly brutal and roughly pulled my man tits in a grotesque pantomime of milking a cow, but that was just the kind of tough love I needed to really hit the gym this week.

And that’s part of the problem with society. We have got to stop catering to that percentage of the population that can never be satisfied. They’re just going to whine, piss and moan no matter what, so just tell them to go fuck themselves and be done with it.

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A Codajoy Classic – Is John McCain The Manchurian Candidate?

mccainJohn McCain tried to get us to arm the Islamic fanatics currently cutting a swath of bloodshed through the Middle East, and for years he has tried to drum up support for a military confrontation with Russia.

Most people dismiss him as a foolish old war-hawk, but they should look deeper. Why does he support terrorists, and why is he so quick to start a war with a country with the world’s second largest nuclear arsenal?

In order to understand John McCain, you have to understand what happened to him while he was in a Vietnamese prison camp during the U.S. war in Vietnam.

While there he was reputedly the subject of experiments conducted by a shadowy Chinese doctor known only as Zhang Guo Lao.

Prior to the war the doctor had become obsessed with the U.S. film The Manchurian Candidate, and the movie’s plot involved capturing the son of a prominent right-wing political family and brainwashing him to become a covert communist agent.

As the war in Vietnam escalated, Zhang Guo Lao felt that was the best place to put his plan into action, and in 1966 he established ties with the North Vietnamese regime, set up facilities on the ground and patiently waited.

When John McCain, the son and grandson of four-star admirals was captured in 1967, he seemed like the answer to the good doctor’s prayers, and for five years Zhang Guo Lao painstakingly conditioned McCain “to destroy America from within.”

After his release McCain entered into politics and might have been elected president if not for a series of missteps, gaffes and bad decisions. Thankfully, in addition to being a communist sleeper agent, John McCain is an idiot, and only his comic ineptitude kept his finger off the nuclear trigger.

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Fixing The Catholic Church

Australia is investigating the Catholic Church’s handling of sexual abuse, and one of its recently released findings was that seven percent of Australia’s Catholic priests have molested children over the past few decades.

Their inquiry has been very thorough, but I didn’t need a team of investigators to tell me the Catholic Church is rotten to its core. The priesthood’s betrayal of its most vulnerable followers is just the final nail in the Jesus.

If the church is going to last another 1,000 years it needs to resemble what it looked like for its first 1,000 years, and that means more liquor and whores and less chanting and snores.

And while we’re at it, priestly celibacy is stupid, and repression of sexuality only leads to other unhealthy behaviors. That’s why for the first 1,000 years of the church, priests were allowed to get married, and a happily married priesthood needs to be reinstated now.

Some core dogma is also wrong and needs to be fixed.

Jesus didn’t die for our sins. He was here to be a teacher, and the core message of charity and love was the real take-home. He was murdered because of envy and greed, and people need to stop putting a bullshit spin on it to justify his death.

Oddly enough, once when I painted my tongue with Wite-Out to see what would happen, a booming voice said Jesus was coming back, and if we killed him again, God would tell us to go fuck ourselves.

The voice also said the next Antichrist would have a yellow beard and a strong association with the color blue, but I couldn’t hear the rest on account of me vomiting from what I assume was some kind of Wite-Out poisoning.

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Facebook Martyrs and Limousine Liberals

In the past, when someone annoyed me, I’d sometimes give them the gift of Mormon. Basically, you enter their name and address on Mormon.org, and quicker than you can say polygamous union, two identically dressed little automatons would come to their home and tell them the good news.

And since it’s easier to shake the clap than Mormon missionaries, this was a gift that kept giving.

But, as fun as that was, it was played out, and I couldn’t think of a suitable replacement. Until now.

Inspiration struck as I was watching the millionaire leftists at the SAG awards bitch about Trump’s immigration policy. Sure, they live behind walls in gated communities, and they could have used the millions they spent on that self-congratulatory shindig to help others, but I understand there’s no point being a limousine liberal without the limousine.

I also realize helping other people sucks, and I’d rather do just about anything other than a good deed, but I’ve never pretended otherwise. Unfortunately, some people aren’t as honest and have to be drug kicking and screaming into the light.

Only then can they admit they’re selfish little pieces of shit, just like me.

For example, do you know someone who went on Facebook in the last week and posted an excerpt from Emma Lazarus’ stupid poem and then opined about how we’ve turned our backs on the poor huddled masses yearning to breathe free?

Sure you do. And you could continue to let them slide with their bullshit, or you could take a page from the Codajoy playbook and sign them up with six different refugee aid organizations to house a family of migrants. I’m also looking for a cheap goat because I’ve always wanted to give a goat as a housewarming present, and this seems like a golden opportunity for that.

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Does Madonna Have Dementia?

Last year people speculated Madonna was having a nervous breakdown after her disastrous Australian concert tour. During one show she even dressed as a clown and pedaled out on the stage on a tricycle before falling off and babbling incoherently to the audience.

More recently she raised eyebrows with her statements against Donald Trump and her admission that she thought about blowing up the White House. Most people just wrote off her comments as sour grapes from another limousine liberal pouting because she didn’t get her way, but I think it’s more than that.

I think the old girl has dementia.

Thanks to the tireless work of make-up artists, morticians’ assistants and animatronics wizards, Madonna is able to shamble around on-stage and give the illusion of youth and vigor. But, it’s all an illusion.

Madonna is almost 60 years old, and here’s a short list of things younger than her: the Slurpee, child safety seats, weather satellites, eight track cassettes, racquetball and contraceptive birth control pills.

And the more I look into this, the more I think her claimed birthday is bullshit, and she might be much older.

Here is a clear depiction of her riding a pig with some dude on a 19th century Russian woodcut. That would put her at well over a hundred and a clear candidate for age-related cognitive problems.

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Microsoft Just Won The Web Browser War

After two decades of trying to force the world’s shittiest web browser down the throats of its unwilling users, Microsoft finally came to its senses and put one behind the ear of Internet Explorer.
 
Unfortunately, the taint of suck that surrounded IE was so strong that most sane people refused to even try its replacement, Microsoft Edge. 
 
Much like me, I can only imagine they were gripped by the fear that Edge would unexpectedly appear behind them in their home or office.  It would slowly walk forward, dragging its one gimpy leg, before launching itself forward with unbelievable speed.  It would then wrap its powerful hands around their throats while attempting to rape them behind their desk or cubicle.
 
Thankfully, those fears are mostly unfounded, and Microsoft Edge wins for no other reason than it will delete my goddamned search history on exit. 
 
For some unknown reason Chrome refuses to afford me even the façade of privacy, and I refuse to enter incognito mode because that would mean admitting I’m just a middle-aged pervert, and not a normal man doing completely normal things.
 
Look, I’m not naïve, and I understand that every depraved and disgusting Internet search I’ve ever made is stored in an NSA dossier in one of their data centers.  I also understand that Google and Amazon have built a customer profile of me that’s so frighteningly accurate, its algorithms know me better than any real person on earth,
 
I just want the security of knowing if I search for “pregnant tranny midgets,” that little cry for help will just be between me and shadowy government and corporate figures.  My kids will never see it, and unless my wife hires a data retrieval expert as part of our eventual divorce, she too will remain blissfully unaware.

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Christ I Hate Gift Cards

People don’t want to give cash because they think it’s cold and impersonal so they try to create a fake veneer of thoughtfulness by buying gift cards, but they shouldn’t because gift cards suck and only retards buy them.

You’re basically still giving cash, but it’s a terrible kind of cash that can only be spent at one place and it doesn’t give you change.

The only time it’s appropriate to buy a gift card is if you want to wage subtle psychological war on someone.

For example, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law are separated but spent time together for the holidays, so when we exchanged presents I gave her a Victoria’s Secret card just so he could imagine her buying lingerie and dressing up for other men.

I originally bought him a liquor store gift card, but I was afraid he would get drunk and kill himself, and then my wife and I would have to adopt at least one of his mongoloid kids, so I kept that card and gave him a Panera Bread gift card I found in our junk drawer.

It seems hard to imagine that gift cards didn’t really exist before the mid-90s when Blockbuster invented them. Prior to that you might get gift certificates, but there was no little fake credit card with the name of the business on it.

And since anywhere from 10% to 20% of U.S. gift cards are never used, business love them because you’re basically giving them free money.

My only gift card exception is for Amazon.com. Thanks to the two $25 cards I got at Christmas, I’m only $3.57 away from being able to anonymously buy that Fleshlight I’ve had my eye on.

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