Robot Brothels Coming To The UK

PrisjpgNo one epitomizes the old adage of “When life gives you lemons, you throw a lemon party” quite like the British. In fact, I would sum up all of British history by saying they’re the finest at making the best out of a bad situation.

The live on a squalid, rain-soaked little island, and they found a way to harness its coal and iron reserves to build an Empire made up of far warmer and better places.

Their largest neighbor is absolutely infested with French people, so they established colonies across the globe with the simple but noble idea that no man should have to live in close proximity to a Frenchie.

And as study after study has painfully acknowledged, British women are the least attractive in the world, and it’s no wonder that homosexuality is known as “the British disease.”

In the old days, if you wanted to actually enjoy sex in that sunless land, you had to first visit one of their many pubs. People may joke the Irish are drunks, but that’s just because they’re silly drunks who like to make a scene. In actuality, no one swallows alcohol by the gallon in quiet desperation quite like a Brit.

But, things are looking up, because Matt McMullen, the CEO of RealDoll, recently announced during an AMA (Ask Me Anything) on Reddit that his company is working on actual robotic hookers and is creating an Artificial Intelligence that can either be connected to a robotic doll or experienced in a Virtual Reality environment.

It’s speculated that these dolls with be eagerly adopted by sex tourism spots like The Netherlands and Thailand, but I promise you that no one will get on board quicker than the Brits and in 15 years, English Robo-brothels will replace the iconic red telephone boxes and Big Ben as symbols of that long-suffering nation.

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“Predatory” Auto Lending

gascap Human queef John Oliver used the most recent episode of his HBO show “Last Week Tonight” to attack predatory auto lending. Specifically, he went after the industry’s practice of abducting people and subjecting them to savage beatings that only stop after they buy one of their cars at a high interest rate.

Wait? What? That’s not what they do? It seems auto lenders advertise a product, allow customers to test-drive that product, arrange financing on-site, present payment options to consumers and then allow them to decide whether they want the product for that price and interest rate.

How terrible.

John Oliver epitomizes everything that is wrong with America, and his endless campaign for an over-arching nanny state where everyone would be protected from every stupid decision only ends one way. You wind up with a repressive police state that regulates and controls every facet of your existence.

Banks set different interest rates because it’s all based on how big of a fuck-up you are. If you buy stuff and then pay for it during the agreed-upon timeframe, you’re not a fuck-up and get a good rate. If you are a fuck-up, the bank knows there’s a good chance you won’t pay off your debt, so you get a higher rate so they’ll get more of their money back sooner.

And not to get off topic here, but I used to sell cars, and if you want the best deal, don’t go into the dealership and talk to some sleazebag salesman. Go through the dealership’s Internet department at the end of the month. That’s how dealerships keep up their volume, and it’s how you get the very best deal.

Much like the Holocaust, female orgasm, and multicultural harmony, predatory lending is just another silly liberal myth.

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Trump Plans To Let Parents Deduct All Childcare Costs

bedfellowsDonald Trump unveiled more details about his economic plan this week, and limousine liberals and filthy-rich Republicans joined forces to attack it.

The fact that it cut taxes for the middle class and actually attempted to improve the lot of American workers was ignored because our media is comprised of morons, and their millionaire and billionaire masters only listen to the lower classes when they come to burn down their castles.

Jeffrey Miron, the director of economic studies at the elite-friendly Cato Institute, summed up the warped logic of opposition best when he said allowing parents to deduct childcare expenses “. . .incentivizes more children and spending — the opposite of good reform.”

I hate to burst your bubble, dickhead, but countries need a younger generation to survive, and kids are a terrible financial decision for parents, no matter how you crunch the numbers. They cost a shit-ton of money, and if I didn’t have three of them, I’d have an extra $30,000 in my pocket, every single year.

And while childcare costs are just one of the many expenses associated with these little money-pits, they’re substantial. Daycare now costs me about $500 a week, and like every other parent in the country, I’d rather get some of my cash back instead of letting the government spend it on illegal immigrants and endless wars.

The media in this country is made up of short-sighted dolts who are so brainwashed by multiculturalism that they’ll never get past Trump’s commitment to fix our broken immigration system. Instead, they’ll regurgitate endless left-wing jargon while maintaining an unfair system that’s slowly bleeding the middle class dry while creating the richest aristocracy in world history.

I used to have hope for this country, but I’m not sure I see things getting settled without a complete meltdown first.

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Will Russia Be Banned From The Special Olympics, Too?

Nate The United States and her failing satellites in Europe tried to get the IOC to ban Russia from the Summer Olympics in Brazil for systematic doping, but Russian bribes to IOC officials thankfully caused them to reconsider.

Ultimately only a few dozen of her athletes were prohibited from competing in Rio, but the Paralympics, which immediately follows the summer and winter games and allows cripples and gimps to shuffle around on their nubs in a macabre imitation of actual Olympic competition has taken a harder line.

Since Russians aren’t paying, their athletes aren’t playing, and the entire Russian delegation is being denied access to compete.

As I’ve long maintained, drug testing in sports is ridiculous, and people should be allowed to ingest or slam anything they want to gain a competitive edge. Sports shouldn’t only be reserved for people who hit the genetic lottery and were born strong or fast.

If some cocktail of pills, potions or steroids allows you to win, then you’re a winner in my book. No one cares how you crossed the finish line so long as you cross it first. And if you don’t believe me, look at China.

Their athletics programs are every bit as corrupt as those in Russia, and their entire modern economy is based on trademark and copyright violations, industrial espionage and unfair trade practices. But, the U.S. and Europe are afraid to mess with them, so they get a free pass.

And what about the Russian Special Olympics Team? Are they going to be the next victim of this Western witch-hunt?

One of the highlights of my year is watching their juiced-up tards fly around the track, pump crazy iron and almost drown faster and harder than anyone else. Christ I hope they don’t take that away from me.

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Head-Shaped Urns Are The Stuff Of Nightmares

Head The good folks at Cremation Solutions have finally found a way to make death even more terrifying. For a mere $2,600 they will create a life-sized 3-D model of your deceased loved-one’s head to act as an urn to hold their cremated ashes.

According to their website, the heads are mounted on fine Verde marble bases, and since the ash hole is permanently plugged after the ashes are added, there’s no danger of the cat knocking over the head and spilling ashes all over the room.

And as much as spilled urns are a lazy sitcom and movie trope, my neighbor swears it happened to her aunt’s urn, and after they vacuumed up the ashes, the vacuum cleaner would mysteriously turn itself on.

Personally, I think that’s just a sign of good character that the old bag was still trying to do housework even in the after-life, but they got all freaked out and literally gave the vacuum a little funeral ceremony and buried it with dignity and respect.

I’m not sure if that’s going to appease her soul after they burned her earthly remains in a giant goddamned oven and then dumped her all over the living room floor, but who knows.

Much like the Chinese prostitutes I used to frequent, I prefer to maintain a discrete ancestor shrine in my home. That way, when I need guidance or want to direct supernatural acts of revenge against my many enemies, I can pray to them for help.

And as a handy note, spirits just want to be at peace, so if you dig them up and take a few bones, they’ll do almost anything to be whole again. Use that information wisely. Or abuse it, I really don’t care.

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The First Drone Attack On U.S. Soil

Nyet Four adults and two children were injured in the first documented drone attack in the U.S. The victims are all expected to make a full recovery after being injured while attending a festival at Portland Oregon’s Pioneer Courthouse Square.

The Federal Aviation Administration, local law enforcement and the Federal Bureau of Investigation have not released any preliminary findings from their investigation, but an anonymous source has provided a clear picture of the attack.

It appears an individual purchased a quadcopter drone from an Internet retailer and modified it by removing parts of the structure and outer housing. He then attached a crude pipe bomb that was detonated as the craft flew above the crowd at the Square.

It is suspected the bomber flew the craft from either Jackson Tower or Fox Tower, but witness testimony has provided conflicting reports on the craft’s flight path and angle of attack.

Luckily, the person flying the drone detonated the explosive device prematurely, and much of the shrapnel was directed up and away from the crowd. Otherwise, the casualties would have been far more severe.

As mandated by President Clinton and the U.S. Ministry of Truth and Social Justice, all residents are reminded that any attempt to assign blame of this tragedy to any protected group or class will result in a mandatory prison sentence of twenty-five years.

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It’s Not Blackface. I’m Trans-racial

jolson It’s a brave new world we live in friends. I’m told by my superiors that gender is a flexible concept, and I’m able to pick and choose the one I like best.

All I have to do is start wearing women’s clothes, and I can even hang out in ladies’ restrooms and peer through the little cracks in the stall doors as they try to poop under my leering gaze.

And the best part is if they complain, they’re bigots and will be ostracized.

For a sociopath like me, there’s probably never been a better time to be alive, and I mean that seriously. At pretty much any other point in history, people with common sense would light torches, grab pitchforks and chase me from their village. But now I’m a protected class.

And if this newfound obsession with tolerance has taught me anything, it’s that all social boundaries need to fall. And since race doesn’t really exist anyway, I think it may be time for blackface.

I’m sure people will accuse me of bigotry, and they’ll no doubt slander my good name by using facts and examples. They might even dredge up ancient history like how a few months ago I recorded the mini-series Roots but watched it in reverse so it had a happy ending.

Those people are the real racists, and when I show up to my next job interview doing my best Al Jolson after claiming minority hiring preference, those fools better recognize.

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Never Trust A Canadian

cruz2The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. And it’s fitting that Satan’s lair, Canada, has duped the planet into believing they’re self-effacing, polite buffoons who only live to make the world a better place.

LIES!!!

Inside every Canadian beats the heart of a back-stabbing traitor, and they have even used their powers of treachery to destroy otherwise patriotic Americans. Benedict Arnold was once a great American war hero, but after his invasion of Quebec, he was infected with the Canadian bacillus and betrayed his country.

But even Arnold’s treachery pales before the perfidiousness displayed by Canadian-born Ted Cruz on Wednesday night at the Republican National Convention.

On an evening that should have been used to glorify the future greatest president in U.S. history, Cruz returned to his villainous Canadian roots and betrayed him on the national stage.

And the worst part is the goddamned ingratitude of it all. Mr. Trump in his infinite mercy and benevolence had forgiven Cruz for all his past transgressions and allowed him to bask in the glory of Trump’s orange glow.

But like all Canadians, Ted Cruz can’t be trusted, and he repaid Trump’s kindness with infidelity and duplicity.

Much like Jesus, Trump will no doubt forgive even this act of faithlessness, but Canada better be on notice. There is a limit to our benevolence, hat, and based upon your past misdeeds, we are well within our rights to send our mighty armies across your borders and complete the work our brave boys began back in 1775.

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The Bad Pick Up Line Game

barflyI work with a guy who was born without the ability to feel shame, and he is able to effortlessly do things that would make a normal person borderline suicidal with embarrassment.

He probably has some kind of autism, but his defective brain is my gain and last week I decided to see if he was truly emotionally bulletproof by playing the pick-up game.

The rules are simple. You come up with a pick-up line and the person has to use it on anyone in the bar, and each successful delivery earns a free drink of their choice.

We only got to play for about 20 minutes before we were asked to leave, but this magnificent mongoloid used his time wisely.

The three he used:

Hi. They call me Fudgy the Whale because I’m fat and shit my pants. Can I buy you a drink?

I live with my dad. Do you want to come back to my house for a threesome?

I put the STD in stud. Do you want to get out of here?

He also swore he’d ask any woman with a cold sore if she’d like to get more herpes, but as hard as it is to believe, there wasn’t a single woman at the TGI Friday’s in Fredericksburg, Va that night with a weeping mouth sore.

Honorable mention:

This one didn’t technically happen in the bar, but he did tell a woman in a hijab at the gas station that she was “the bomb” which was probably the funniest line of the evening.

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Terrorists Are Implementing A New U.S. Strategy

power ISIS has decided to implement a new strategy to paralyze the U.S. after realizing that airport massacres and Bataclan beat-downs may grab headlines, but they only result in a relatively small number of casualties and inevitable reprisals.

Terrorist leaders recognize the U.S. has the most powerful military in the world, but they feel America’s diversity is actually its greatest weakness, and once the going gets tough, people will splinter on ethnic and religious fault lines.

If you look at any prison in the country, it’s hard to fault their logic.

ISIS has realized that as strong as the U.S. is externally, we’re exactly that weak internally, and their new strategy, code-named “Judo,” is brilliant. They’re gearing up for a war on water, power and commerce, and it’s going to work.

Light “practice raids” have already been carried out against power distribution centers, and small teams are expected to shoot and firebomb electrical substations feeding many major U.S. metropolitan areas.

FBI agents in New York also learned from an informant that specialists from the Mideast are currently in the country teaching operatives how to hijack and arm fuel tanker trucks to use them to start massive fires in tunnels and on bridges.

Even though Iran is supposedly an avowed enemy of ISIS, there’s also evidence that Iranian intelligence sources have shared technical procedures to paralyze power and water treatment plants.

America is a racial tinder-box waiting for a match, and if water, power and electricity are cut off to our major cities, they will be burning down within a week.

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