Corporate Media Demands Monopoly On Fake News

dog Crumbling western governments and their failing elitist media supporters have suddenly decided Senator Joseph McCarthy was onto something with his plan to blacklist people and news outlets that express opinions contrary to state-approved dogma.

From now on, “fake news sites,” which basically means any outlet that refuses to toe the party line, will be censored because people cannot be trusted to make up their own goddamned minds and separate fact from fiction.

And we’ll just conveniently overlook the fact that world leaders didn’t seem to have any problem with the fake news that led to the disastrous U.S. invasion of Iraq or the equally dangerous Iran nuclear deal.

Oddly enough, my biggest beef with the press isn’t their unceasing leftist bias, it’s the constant pissing, moaning and whining and steadfast refusal to ever look on the bright side and cover genuinely happy news.

The liquor store by my house just ran a sale on Jagermeister, and I feel like that should elicit at least as much coverage as some stupid sinkhole that ate a car in Florida.

A few years ago I stumbled on a homeless village in the woods behind the commuter lot in Stafford, VA and one of the filthy transients had actually constructed an oven out of mud to cook bread. Once again, I find this vagrant’s ingenuity far more interesting than yet another media sponsored LGBT propaganda blitz.

Our world is a pretty amazing place and cheap liquor and handy hobos are just the tip of the iceberg.


Is Kellogg’s Drugging Their Cereal?


The New Frosted Flakes Mascot?

Earlier this week Kellogg’s decided they were no longer going to advertise on the website because Kellogg’s corporate leaders are liberal, and they didn’t want to use their company’s profits to support conservative opinions.

It seems a bit odd that a for-profit company would alienate tens of millions of customers just to push their own political agenda, but it appears the people who run the company are painfully left wing and have already spent tens of millions to advance their leftist world view.

Then, I started to wonder, what if it’s actually worse, and Kellogg’s is literally poisoning a generation of children to make them more susceptible to liberal propaganda.

Normally, I only eat eggs and black coffee for breakfast, but I decided to do a little experiment and ate only Kellogg’s products for three successive days to see if there were any negative effects, and what I found terrified me.

After just a day, I found my strength and anger diminishing, and when I almost backed over a guy in a wheelchair in the Walmart parking lot, I actually got out and apologized instead of throwing a beer can at him and threatening to flip him over for getting in my way.

By day three I had completely gone off the rails, and I was unable to work because I was spending all of my time surfing the Craigslist MFM section as well as crying hysterically for no reason.

Thankfully, a full day of consuming nothing but venison, Crown Royal and Don Seville cigars put me back right, but I’m now genuinely concerned Kellogg’s is using some kind of lab-created fairy dust to turn otherwise red blooded American boys and girls into mincing leftist puppets.


Facebook Does Not Represent Reality

This picture has it all

This picture has it all

According to legend, whenever someone calls you a Fascist on Facebook, an aborted Planned Parenthood fetus gets its wings. I’m not sure if that’s actually true, but I am sure about one thing; the people most active on Facebook are fucking lunatics and don’t represent a healthy cross-section of society.

That chick from high school who got pregnant at 17 and now sells wraps is on there, as is the fat loser who lives alone in a one bedroom apartment but somehow has the whole world figured out, but chances are the guy who fixes your car isn’t.

I’d even go out on a limb and say if you work a useful trade like plumber, farmer or liquor store proprietor, you probably spend very little time on that stupid site.

Personally, I only go on there to ogle swimsuit pictures of acquaintances and/or people I’m stalking, and the idea of engaging in a lively political discourse with a rogues gallery of evolutionary dead-ends, religious nuts, effeminate men and manly women has never crossed my mind.

There’s a small segment of the population that honestly believes others give a fuck they just had a great workout, bought a new car or met a guy online and then chased him through the woods while throwing walnuts at his anus.

Newsflash, you’re not that special.  I pay people to let me throw walnuts at their anuses, too, and your delusions of both adequacy and interest are in no way borne out by reality.

Every single Facebook post should either be funny, show cleavage or preferably both. If you’re a 45-year-old woman who just lost a ton of weight and is now posting wrinkly boob shots for compliments, you’re awesome and doing God’s work.

The rest of you can fuck off.


I Like Saudi Justice

peniscar Three Saudis and a Sudanese man were recently convicted of a brutal home invasion where a family was robbed, and the perpetrators then tied up the man and his daughter and took turns raping his wife.

The Saudi court has been criticized for their sentence, but it seems very fair to me. The main ringleader of the crime was sentenced to 17 years prison and 2,500 lashes, and the other three pieces of human garbage were given 1,500 lashes each and sentences ranging from 5 to 15 years.

Predictably, there has been an international outcry from the usual suspects of pussies and crybabies, I’m looking at you Amnesty International, but I feel like these sentences were far more appropriate than just locking these animals in a box and feeding them for decades.

Call me crazy, but I think all punishments should actually fit the crimes, and I mean that literally. If you commit arson, you get a short prison sentence and we put all of your shit in a pile and set it on fire while you watch.

If you deal drugs, we show you the pain of addiction by lacing your food with various addictive substances and then they’re withdrawn without warning so you can detox in your 6×8 cell.

And for the worst criminals of all, those Godless, heartless heathens who drive too slow in the left lane and cause traffic slowdowns, I have a perfectly appropriate punishment in mind.

You can either surrender your license for 10 years or pay a $5,000 conversion fee to turn your vehicle into a 10-foot latex penis so all of the other drivers will know what an insufferable little cock you are.


Stop The Eco-Madness

Nothing Says Save The Planet Like A Good Tire Fire

Nothing Says Save The Planet Like A Good Tire Fire

One of my dumbass family members just took a fossil-fuel powered vehicle two thousand miles to protest the Dakota Access pipeline. It seems even her massive carbon footprint can’t blot out her sense of righteous indignation that greedy oil companies are planning to safely and efficiently move oil from North Dakota to Illinois.

Don’t get me wrong, the oil will still be moved, but without the pipeline it will go by rail and trucks that will consume about 5% of the energy of the oil along the way as well as raise the possibility of accidents like the crude oil train explosion in Quebec that killed over 40 people.

This $3.8 billion dollar pipeline project is 80% complete, and once finished it will move enough crude oil to supply over a gallon of processed gasoline to every man, woman and child in the country every single day. But I guess these self-centered environmentalists don’t want my baby girl to get her gallon.

I used to recycle and tried to do my part to help make the planet less shitty, but eco-nuts have gone off the rails so far that I’ve gone off the rails in an equal and opposite direction just to spite them.

I don’t live in coal country, but I actually installed a coal burning stove in the basement so I could heat my house while at the same time enveloping it in an acrid cloud of anthracite coal smog and dead dinosaurs.

And if you’re like me and plan to stick it to the hippies with a coal stove, don’t. It was good for a laugh, but it fucking sucks. It somehow manages to cover every surface within 100 feet with a fine layer of soot, and it reeks of a smell that’s a weird mix of Thunderbird fortified wine and diesel.


Trump Grabs American Pussies

unnamed If there was one thing about election night that truly warmed my cirrhosis-riddled cockles, it was watching the look of shock wipe smug self-satisfaction from the faces of the pundits on the broadcast networks.

Noted fat load and limousine liberal Michael Moore even launched a deliciously condescending little hissy fit that accused all rural voters of being stupid rubes taken in by a con-man. In his mind, these people were incapable of honestly voting for systemic change, instead, they were childishly lashing out at a system that’s evolving too fast for them to comprehend.

It shouldn’t take a genius to grasp that America is on the wrong track. Our economic decline, disintegrating manufacturing base and unprecedented income inequality are evidence of that.

Some people think the problem with America is we started letting evolutionary dead-ends guide our future, but that’s wrong. The real problem is we let the left destroy the concept of nationhood in their bid to turn everyone into good little citizens of the world.

Once business tycoons and CEOs were free of nationalist requirements to actually serve the citizens of their nation, they did what Robber-barons do and outsourced jobs, maximized profits and fucked everyone over who wasn’t a shareholder.

We had the largest economy on the planet for over a century, and no one took that title from us. Our business leaders gave it away because they could care less where their profits come from.

Economic and civic nationalism are the foundations of a healthy country, and if your country doesn’t have them, it’s going to get crushed by a country like China that does.


The Coming Civil War

unnamed About 11 years ago I drank a magical elixir that convinced me on my walk home from a bar that I should try to put my pants on the bronze statue of a newsboy in front of the Free Lance Star building. When that didn’t work, I tied my shirt around his waist and then enjoyed a well-deserved nap in their flower bed.

When a brisk spring drizzle woke me up a few hours later, I realized I had just experienced an amazingly vivid dream, and I was convinced that at some point in my lifetime, America would endure a Civil War.

I thought that dream seemed implausible at the time, but I’m starting to think all the preppers, militias and other people that are preparing for conflict are doing it because we all sense the same thing.

Scoff all you like, but a large portion of the population seems to have an ingrained psychic sense, and if you doubt me, look at ridership records for planes, trains and buses that are involved in fatal accidents.

Jessica Utts, a statistics professor at the University of California, Irvine, recreated some of the earlier studies from William Cox, and she verified that ridership levels inevitably fall below normal volumes on doomed trains. And even the planes that flew into the Twin Towers were described as “abnormally empty.”

I think we may be faced with a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” dilemma here, and the country has become so divided and distrustful of government, the media, law enforcement, etc. that an explosion is inevitable.

If you’ve had your eye on some remote farmland in Maine, now might be a good time to move.


Gross Women Hold Yoga Pants Protest

unnamedAlan Sorrentino sent a joking letter to some podunk newspaper in Rhode Island last week complaining that mature women shouldn’t wear yoga pants, and the old crones who read it politely chuckled and got the joke.

Just kidding, they peppered his voicemail with death threats and organized a yoga pants parade that invaded his neighborhood and went past his house.

The cows who organized the event called it an empowering attack on casual sexism, but the only people who should have felt empowered are the brave textile engineers who created a flexible material capable of preventing those flabby asses from spilling over their banks and destroying innocent lives on the parade route.

Just as Copernicus was mocked for correctly postulating the earth revolved around the sun, Mr. Sorrentino is right to condemn this frightening abuse of logic and decency.

When a 21-year-old woman wears yoga pants, it looks like two playful kittens tussling under a blanket in a spring meadow. When her 50-year-old mom wears them, it looks like two hobos butt-fucking in a piss-soaked alley.

I’m getting old and fat, and nothing about that should empower me. Sure I wear a Speedo to the beach, but that’s only because I hate people sitting next to me, and nothing says stranger danger quite like my mankini bottom, mustache and cooler full of Milwaukee’s Best.

As a noted granny aficionado, there’s nothing wrong with seniors dressing to thrill, but take a page from the Aunt Bea playbook and wear demure dresses with low-cut fronts that allow those heavy hangers to do the heavy lifting.

And if you’re a spoiled, over privileged, Lexus-driving wench with no sense of humor, feel free to organize a parade in my neighborhood. I have an awesome megaphone, and there’s almost nothing I love more than drunkenly berating people from my porch.


Islam Now The Dominant Religion of U.S. Conservatives

unnamed Thanks to the stunning and unexpected conversion of two prominent American evangelical leaders, U.S. men and women who self-identify as conservative have converted to Islam in staggering numbers over the last 12 months.

In addition to the “miraculous” conversions of the formerly Christian pastors, many converts cite the leftward shift of major Christian sects as well as their anger at being constantly blamed, ignored or belittled by an out-of-touch leftist media and government.

The liberal elite who dominate print and broadcast news networks initially welcomed the changes as a repudiation of America’s “bigoted Christian” past, but many now realize their support was woefully misguided.

Abortion clinics have virtually disappeared from 35 of the 50 U.S. states, and due to frequent terror attacks, Israel has evacuated nearly two million Jews from the U.S. in just the last 6 months, but their ability to feed and house such a large influx of people has strained the state to the breaking point.

Frequent Caliphate attacks on her border have complicated matters, and Israel’s decision to remove the entire population of Gaza to house the newcomers has invited worldwide condemnation.

President Clinton’s decision to temporarily relocate the U.S. Capital to the Hudson military district has also drawn widespread criticism, and this has only been amplified by the recent terror attacks on the region’s natural gas pipelines and the bouncing bomb attack that breached the dam at the Niagara Falls power facility.


Scientists Say “Five Second Rule” Is Bullshit

unnamed As a lazy drunk, I often find myself dropping food on the floor and then facing a familiar dilemma. Should I clean it up and make more food or just say fuck it and get down on all fours and eat it off the carpet puppy style.

Since self-respect and dignity are just fancy words for fancy people, I usually take the pet approach, but researchers at Rutgers University say in a new study that not only is the five second rule nonsense, but bacteria contaminates food as soon as it hits the floor.

We needed research to tell us that?

How in the hell did people think this dynamic worked? Did they assume bacteria just ran across the floor like a herd of microscopic wolves and jumped on their food, and if they could just pick it up quickly, it would be fine?

In the big picture sense, it appears Rutgers’ research teams are about as competent as their football team, because if anything, we should probably be dumping more shit on the floor and eating it. I have three kids under the age of ten, and it’s shocking how many of their friends have asthma, dermatitis, and allergies.

Thankfully, my indifferent parenting ensures the kids have a steady stream of contact with stray animals, dirt and even a pig I got for free off Craigslist before realizing the truly astounding amount of damage one single pig can do in about three days.

The problem is people have turned their homes into little clean-rooms, and not only are kids’ immune systems not being stimulated, but without outside threats, their immune systems are turning on themselves.

Five second rule aside, a little floor food won’t kill you, and it may even make you healthier in the long run.