Do You Fat Chicks Really Think Shoes Will Make You Thin?

Posted on May 18, 2012 | Leave a comment

Sketchers, the makers of the “Shape-ups” toning shoes just agreed to pay $40 million dollars in refunds to settle charges by the Federal Trade Commission that they engaged in deceptive advertising.

Ads for the stupid shoes featured “celebrities” like Brooke Burke and Kim Kardashian and promised fat women the shoes would get them in shape without ever going to a gym. The ads also claimed the shoes provided more muscle toning and weight loss than standard sports shoes.

I just sat through one of the excruciating commercials, and the camera zoomed in on Kim Kardashian’s ass and implied that if you wore the shoes, you could have a body like her’s. For the life of me, I can’t really understand why that’s desirable. The only time you see something with a butt like that in nature it’s either pulling a plow or grazing on the Serengeti.

There is no shoe that’s going to make you lose weight unless you wear it to exercise or buy crack, so the premise itself is faulty. But I don’t really see why the FTC cracked down on this one company. Pretty much anyone who sells weight loss or fitness products is guilty of deception.

Jessica Simpson is rumored to have signed a $4 million deal with Weight Watchers to drop the weight she put on during her pregnancy. If she pulls it off, it’ll be implied she lost all that weight by just eating Weight Watchers’ disgusting food. The truth will be she had a personal trainer and worked out five days a week because losing weight was her new job. Why isn’t that fraud?

And don’t even get me started on the exaggerated claims of the Hercules Penis Pump. Penis of a Greek god, my ass.

Share

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Do I Get Minority Rights Now?

Posted on May 18, 2012 | Leave a comment

According to the Census Bureau, whites are now a minority of births in the United States, and this trend is going to accelerate in the coming years. The median age of whites is now 42, and most white women are moving out of their childbearing years. Latinos on the other hand are at peak fertility, and thanks to Taco Bell’s affordable value menu, can afford to feed their ever-growing families.

I know liberals applaud this demographic shift, but in the future, how will they continue to live in their trendy white neighborhoods while lecturing the rest of us about the benefits of multiculturalism? And who will make that god-awful “sensitive-guy” music that forms the soundtrack for their lives?

I for one plan to embrace my new minority status, and since I’m lazy and love to complain, I can now blame the government for oppressing me whenever things don’t go my way. If my new Mexican boss decides to ride my ass because I keep coming to work drunk, I’ll just scream discrimination and wait for my sweet EEOC settlement.

It’s a brave new world out there, and I plan to milk that sucker until there’s nothing left but a dried husk.

Share

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , , , ,

Drugging People With Scopolamine Is A Great Way To Make New Friends

Posted on May 17, 2012 | Leave a comment

This odorless and tasteless drug is derived from the South American borrachero tree, and after being administered, it turns people into virtual zombies. People lose all free will, and after the drug takes full effect, it has the added benefit of preventing the person from forming any new memories.

In Columbia the drug is often used by criminals to rob and/or rape victims, and it’s commonly administered by just blowing a cloud of it into someone’s face as they walk down the street. One enterprising group of young women even put the compound on their breasts and then invited unsuspecting men to lick them.

In hindsight that seems like a pretty obvious trap, but it’s not really one that’s easy to turn down, either. The men were then kept hostage for days while the women completely cleaned out their bank accounts.

Bad press aside, scopolamine really is a wonder drug. Unlike rufies which just knock someone out, this drug leaves people awake and alert but unable to resist suggestion. As I mentioned earlier, it also leaves the person with complete amnesia of everything that happened while they were under its spell.

If you’re a sexual pervert, this is the drug for you. If you have a wife, unrequited love interest or maybe even an unsuspecting neighbor who is a little bit of a prude, this is just what they need to get their freak on. There is one caveat, though. This drug is fatal in large doses, so unless you’re also into necrophilia, be careful how much you give.

Share

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , , , ,

Who Wants To Bring Back Blimps?

Posted on May 17, 2012 | 2 Comments

Ever since the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out with the Turtle Blimp, I’ve wanted to ride on one. Unfortunately, those assholes at Goodyear refuse to acknowledge my repeated requests, and that whole Hindenburg thing sort of soured the public on using airships to transport people. Hopefully, rising fuel prices are going to change that.

Fuel makes up more than half of airline’s costs, and last year Delta alone paid $3 billion more for gas than it did in 2010. The International Air Transport Association projects that the industry’s fuel bill will grow by $40 billion in 2012, and that’s got me hoping someone will get desperate enough to start thinking outside of the box.

Worldwide Aeros Corporation is supposedly developing a hybrid craft based on the Walrus HULA (Hybrid Ultra Large Aircraft). It’s designed to get two-thirds of its lift from Helium and carry up to 180 passengers. It was supposed to fly in 2010, then it was pushed back to 2011, and now they’re looking for a maiden voyage in 2012. It wouldn’t surprise me if it gets postponed again, but we blimp and airship aficionados are a patient lot.

I guess my main concern if I ever did get to ride on a passenger blimp would be a terrorist attack. As a gas filled sack, it’s fairly vulnerable to sabotage, and I have to imagine the TSA list of banned items will be fairly comprehensive. The more I think about it, you pretty much have to ban everything from guns to sharpened sticks.

Share

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , , , ,

Al Qaeda’s Tips For Western Recruits

Posted on May 16, 2012 | Leave a comment

When it’s not trying to make underwear bombs or hide explosives in men’s rectums, Al Qaeda’s Yemen branch kept busy by writing a manual for potential western recruits. The document was released yesterday, but most of the writing was done by U.S.-born radical Samir Khan, who was supposedly killed in a drone strike last September.

The 16-page guide includes rules that recruits must follow as well as tips and hints for being the best little jihadist you can be. It also tells recruits that if they get scared to just close their eyes and imagine the virgins that await them in paradise.

I don’t want to get off-topic here, but where do these virgins come from? Are they earthly women who died virgins? If that’s the case, if no one wanted to screw them in this life, chances are no one is going to want to screw them in the next. I’d much rather have a harem of hot sluts.

Another problem with this manual is that it’s a total downer. In one section it tells you not to bring your family for fear they’ll be tortured and raped to get information about you. In another it describes how a fighter did not take off his shoes or wash his feet adequately, and he was subjected to a bizarre ailment where one of his toes grafted to the underside of his foot.

As if a guide telling you how to be a suicide bomber isn’t crazy enough, it also veers into outright insanity at one point. It claims the government of Saudi Arabia has individuals that “work alongside evil jinns (spirits) that spy on the mujahidin and give away their position.”

Are you idiots serious? Do you really think the Saudis have magic lamps they rub to produce genies? Trust me, if some magical being offered me three wishes, I wouldn’t use one to hunt down your dumb asses. I’d be too busy enjoying my harem of hot sluts.

Share

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , , , ,

Rhode Island Considers A Homeless Bill Of Rights

Posted on May 16, 2012 | Leave a comment

Rhode Island is our country’s smallest state, but its politicians have big plans to ruin every square inch of it. Rather than focus on the hardworking men and women who do things like have jobs and pay taxes, Senator John Tassoni recently sponsored a “Homeless Bill of Rights.”

This bill would prevent cops, healthcare workers, landlords and employers from discriminating against people simply because they are homeless, and it easily passed the Senate. It’s currently under consideration by the General Assembly, and if it passes there, Rhode Island will be the first state in the Union to make filthy bums a protected class

Before I catch flak for being an elitist, let me say a few things. I grew up poor in a single-parent household so I’m not totally without compassion for these disease-ridden transients. But I disagree with the belief that most of them are just hard-working men and women who had some bad luck.

Over half of all homeless people suffer from mental illness or drug and alcohol dependence, and to be honest, you probably want to keep your distance from them. I was once almost bitten by one, and it was only my quick anti-bum reflexes and absolute willingness to throw him into traffic that prevented me from undergoing a series of painful rabies shots.

They shouldn’t be coddled, and bums are best treated like wild dogs. You can throw them some food or Aristocrat vodka if they look hungry or thirsty, but don’t get too close or put your hands by their dish. You also want to refrain from touching or petting them, and if they get too aggressive, don’t be afraid to hit them with a stick.

Share

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Humor

Tagged , ,

Breastfeeding A Three-Year-Old

Posted on May 15, 2012 | Leave a comment

Tim Magazine caught a lot of flak for featuring Jamie Lynne Grumet breastfeeding her nearly four-year-old son on its cover last week, and I’m not sure I understand what all the fuss is about. If my mom was that hot, I’d still be breastfeeding, too. Hell, I might even try to get to third base. Just look at that chick.

Incest jokes aside, even I find this weird, and if I say something is beyond the realm of good taste, you should probably listen up. I have a pretty high tolerance for the perverse.

Unless you’re a baby elephant, there is no reason on earth you should still be nursing at three years old. And if you’re a mother who is that desperate to establish a lasting bond with your kid, just give up now and save him or her years of therapy down the road. If it’s a boy, no matter what you do he’ll drift away once he becomes a teen, and he won’t care about you again until he has kids and needs you to babysit.

I read a bit more about Mrs. Grumet, and both her and this concept of “attachment parenting” is nuts. Grumet says she was breastfed until she was six-years-old, and attachment parenting says to also carry kids around in slings to be closer to you and to let them sleep in your bed.

There are two major problems here. One, you’re going to raise a goddamned sociopath who thinks the world revolves solely around him or her. Two, when are you supposed to get some peace away from this monster? I bought a house big enough for everyone to have their own room for a reason, and unless they’re bringing daddy a wake-up beer, they can stay the hell out of mine.

I understand why Time featured this picture. The sales of its magazine have been falling for years, and this was the only way they could seem relevant, even if only for a second. Maybe I was even being too hard on them. Newsweek just decided to up the ante by featuring a picture of Obama with a caption calling him our first gay president, and Time almost seems professional by comparison.

Share

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , , ,

Enough Is Enough, Tim Burton And Johnny Depp

Posted on May 15, 2012 | Leave a comment

Two days a year I have to be a decent husband, and since Sunday was Mother’s Day, I let my wife pick a movie she wanted to see. After she made me agree to the standard promise that no matter how much I hated it, I couldn’t bitch and complain for at least a day, she revealed her choice of Dark Shadows. After keeping my word for a full 24 hours, let me now tell you how much I hated this absolutely awful goddamned movie.

I’m still not sure if it was a comedy, a drama or just a series of barely-related sketches. I saw it yesterday, and I’m already having trouble remembering it. And the parts I do recall seem so out of place, I almost wonder if I had a repressed acid flashback during the showing.

This movie felt exactly like one of those stupid movie spoofs, like Scary Movie or Meet The Spartans. It almost seemed like Tim burton decided to parody his own style, and a half-assed vampire movie was the best way to do it.

Johnny Depp seems like a pretty good guy. He doesn’t adopt African babies to get his name in the news, he doesn’t smack paparazzi, and when he does a good deed like leaving a waiter a $4,000 tip, he doesn’t publicize it. That’s why for his own good he needs to stop these Tim Burton collaborations. They’re old and tired, and if I have to sit through another one, I’m going to pull a Pee-wee Herman to get kicked out of the theatre.

Share

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Reusable Grocery Bags Are Filthy And Dangerous

Posted on May 14, 2012 | Leave a comment

They’re also a huge pain in my ass. Whenever I check out a grocery line, if I see a woman or an effeminate man with them, I know to pick another register. The people who use them always seem to have too few bags, and it takes three times longer for them to get their crap stacked and packed than if they just used the damned plastic ones the store gives out for free.

The users of reusable bags also seem to have an innate need to direct every part of the bagging process because without their keen input, the whole green train could just fly off the rails.

A new study in The Journal of Infectious Diseases also highlights how dangerous these bags can be. A recent outbreak of norovirus that sickened a soccer team was traced back to one of them. It seems one of the soccer moms put cookies in a bag contaminated with the virus, and that contact was enough to sicken anyone who ate the cookies.

Another study by Loma Linda University and University of Arizona found bacteria in nearly every bag they sampled, and one in ten were contaminated with E. coli. Basically, if you have a reusable shopping bag it’s just as diseased as your average prostitute and only slightly less contaminated than your average stripper. If you don’t feel comfortable eating your meals off of one of them, you should probably ditch the reusable bags, too.

According to the experts, contamination in reusable bags can be effectively removed if they are washed after every use, but fewer than three percent of consumers actually do that. And when you factor in the environmental costs of washing, you find the planet would have been better off if you had just used the goddamned plastic bags in the first place, you silly hippie.

Share

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Romney Scissorhands

Posted on May 14, 2012 | Leave a comment

A day after President Obama announced his new-found support for gay marriage, the leftist Washington Post conveniently released a story alleging that Mitt Romney tormented a gay student during his prep school years. According to the Post’s story, about 50 years ago Mitt Romney marshaled a little gang of jack-booted thugs and forcibly cut the young man’s hair as he cried and begged for help.

There’s only one problem with the story; it turns out it was a fraud.

The student whose hair was allegedly cut wasn’t gay, and he doesn’t seem to have mentioned it to anyone. One of the purported witnesses, who was originally quoted as saying he was troubled about this incident for years, wasn’t even present, and he says the first he heard about it was when the reporter for the Post told him about it a few weeks ago. It seems the Post wanted some evidence to frame Romney, so they just falsified his quote.

The media used to just have a liberal bias, but now they’re resorting to falsifying evidence to advance their agenda. We saw it with the Trayvon Martin case, and we’re seeing it now.

Then again, even if this story wasn’t complete BS, I would still have a hard time caring about it. We’re electing a president, not a pope. He is going to command the drones and death squads we use to kill our enemies every day, and I’m supposed to freak out if he cut some kid’s hair 47 years ago.

I dislike Romney intensely, but I hate this double-standard in the press even more.  Instead of allegedly cutting his hair, Romney should have just sodomized the guy. Then the Post would give him their full support.

Share

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , , , ,